My refuge

When you want to know my true thoughts you tell me to envision a pitch black room

Well I’m not in Kansas anymore Toto

I am here

Sitting in a bathroom

This pattern

This bathroom

Here I found refuge after a rape

Here

Is my darkest escape

Here

I imagine

Hanging myself from the shower rod

Here

I turn imaginations into experimentations

But I can’t sneak another belt into the bathroom without you getting suspicious

Like you care

So here

I am

Caressing curtains

Mimicking a noose

Until my muscles grow tired then I let it loose

This shower curtain has hugged me tighter

Than my mother ever has

And you chalk my emotions up to “for myself I’m feeling sad,”

If you only knew

This bathroom conjures

A refuge

From rape

After rape

After fucking rape

And you wonder why I get so sad in the space that I escape

But I’m a burden

Every fucking stab in my back I deserve it

Every pain that’s ingrained was always worth it

Every painful purpose I was born to serve it

J

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I care

I know someone who believes

That if they were to leave

Thank no one would care five days later

Like her life is filled, full of haters

Who -for their own good -act like they care

Can you compare?

I know that there are times when I’ve been there

But four years with you is what I cherish

So I wouldn’t be embarrassed

To say that if I live to see you gone -I couldn’t bare it

Since you didn’t know

I thought I’d share it. 🙂

About Suicide

 

Having you leave me is like having half of my heart die off

Like trying to enjoy the view with the lights off

It’s not something I can bear to think of right off

Trying to navigate, “what’s the right thing to say? What is appropriate to do?”

Like playing minesweeper, avoiding all the bombs so I can make my way into the core of you

Trying to figure how to help you alleviate this, is a job I’m taking on with only half the tools

Trying to act like a clinician when I don’t even yet have my MSW

I could never sit back and watch this, and not think of anything to do

I relayed information to the clinician, but only after permission from you

What is the correct intervention –and when is it okay to cross the line?

How do I tread the distance between you feeling safe with me and me saving your life?

So many times, for myself I’ve texted, the suicide hotline

Tonight I am texting them again, but not for me this time

You are the future I see myself with

So if you were to go, my future would die

Seeing you in so much pain has me crying

I want to take on all your symptoms, so you can have some time

To reclaim all you weren’t given since childhood, to fill that “shell” of yours with something inside.

Day 6

My brother…

Different dad, same mother

But still siblings nonetheless

I love him like no other

But he’s back

Back in a state of suicide

Depression on his mind

Who told him his life wasn’t worth living

That his existence was a lie

In the hospital he lies

Lying about his thoughts of suicide.

It’s time for family to jump on board

This is it: do or die.

30 day poetry challenge

I’ve fallen off the face of the literary earth, ceasing to pay attention to the one escape I use when I need it the most.

Life has gotten the best of me.

So, in a last ditch effort to get back to what I love, I will be completing a poetry challenge. ^_^

Lets see if anyone can figure out the poetry challenge of the day simply by reading my pieces, then at the end I will post the challenges so you can see if you guessed right.

Cheesy? I know.

Emotional suicide

When I went to sleep tonight I prayed that I wouldn’t wake up

now here I am two hours later with a back ache and a numbed leg in this cramped car

god has a sadistic humor

no matter how hard I try to push myself out of this frame I remain entrapped

degrees, believing in love, EVERYTHING…has been for nothing.

i give up

i can’t even be strong in front of my brother any more.

the color is bleeding out of my life surroundings seeming more black than white

i am imploding

a pathetic character who attempts to save others lives when she can’t even save her own

time to hang it up.

My brother is not a girl

My brother

My brother’s not a girl

He’s opened my eyes to a whole new world

Where gender defies form

And black and white is not the norm

He carries a heaviness on his shoulders

One that grows like the size of his tits, as he gets older

Until he can truly look himself in his eyes

And be happy that what he sees matches with what he identifies by

I’m jolted awake when I sleep at night

Headaches from his demons that I’m trying to help fight

Disapproval mounting everywhere

I keep a strong face when I know I’m scared

Afraid not of what people think

But if their pressure took his life from me

If people are too blind to see

Thinking they have the right to “teach”

If he dies I will never forgive you

All of your lies

Look what religion did to you

No second tries

You can’t undo what’s done

Would you rather have him dead as a daughter or alive as a son?