Systematic Fatigue

The other day I made a post

That compassion fatigue has gotten the best of me

Then someone corrected me

And said what’s really testing me

Is more systemically

Pragmatically

I agreed

I’m so god-damn tired of these systems

Malfunctioning

Taking the dysfunction that these children were born in

And exacerbating the situation even further

Further down the rabbit hole they go

Falling through the cracks:

Cracks of Schools

Group homes

Foster homes

Public Health

Private health

Mental health

Until they land —smack—rock bottom

Sleeping on concrete streets

System fatigue has gotten the best of me

But won’t get the rest of me

Because I’m preserving that

To do whatever I can

In my scope

To advocate and fill in the cracks

My ex called me a purple squirrel

In the work world

That’s someone highly valued yet rare and hard to find

I have the passion, will and power, in addition I have the mind

People like me, willing to endure hard work to fulfill all the title’s meant to be

Shouldn’t be

Praised

This shouldn’t be going out of the way

It should be the standard

If everyone did their part

There’d be less socio-political cancer

Excuse me for my candor

These are just the memoirs of someone who fell through cracks

Trying to pick the pieces up and give it all back

It takes a village to raise a child

And we’ve all been broken children before

So to see them is to see us

And every one of us needs to remember that

You let me go

So let me go

My concert

I was depressed. Holed up in my room to prove that I do not need to seek attention to move past my pain. To be loyal without their commitment. To not indulge in the toxic environment.

I finally decided to go out. To treat myself to a concert I planned on going to for months. I was hurt by the response of a loved one who even guilted me for this. The one time I actually did something since all of this. Turns out there was a motivating factor in this lashing out.

Anyhow, although it killed my excitement, I went anyways. Alone. Another lonely soul stood near me, and something told me she was alone. I asked as she confirmed. She relayed to me she bought tickets for two for a person she’d been seeing for half a year. She communicated with him, he expressed his excitedness to go. She hopped on a train and came four hours to San Diego, for him to flake on her leaving her stranded at the train station.

I’m not sure how I knew, or why she fully opened up to me about her heartbreak and depression but she did. I needed someone raw and real and relatable that night.

Transcendence

Last night, a tree and a flower crossed paths. Both examples of life. The relation not coincidental. Resin from a tree and a flower blooming from a plant. It was meant.

I was approached: “You needed to be here,” I did. Embraced, breathing together I felt a transfer of energy.

Vibrating, shivering, shaking, tingling, involuntary movements, ringing in my ears, crying, screaming, blacking out of holotropic transpersonal experiences.

Awakened, dusting dead bark and protruding forth. I came through.

Transformation

I had the most  transformative experience today and I am so grateful for it -words cannot even express.

Drudged in deep depression, yet with the awareness to know it’s not good to sit in it while my energy was basically non-existent and wanted to tie me to the bed.

I mustered up courage to go AA, only to have people see me on the verge of tears and chickened out. A knockdown.

Hours later, I chose to end my evening giving one last shot. A sacred practice. I spent two-and-a-half hours in a deep, hypnotic trance. Crossed souls with someone who saw me, felt me and facilitated breathing a little life back into me.

Ironically, there’s a Leo eclipse tonight that’s also in Aquarius. This allows us to get to know our true selves as boldly as a Leo would , while displaying that for all to see like an Aquarius. This eclipse is for letting go and transforming.

In my practice, I felt numb tingling all over, involuntary movement and a blackout. I came back somewhat reincarnated and alive.

Tonight I hope you do something to open the gates of transformation too. You deserve it.

I wish you all the best of journeys to knowing yourself more deeply and truly. 💕

As for me, it seems like a fast turnaround but I am ready to forgive, let go and focus on growing all the amazing parts of me that I know I have grown into –despite my closest love seeing me as a lost case.

See I knew where my intentions and heart and good efforts were all along. I just lost sight of that in the muddied mire of loving so much that I adopted views that weren’t accurately representative of who I am.

 

Huge heart and passionately loyal, I am going to let everybody see the huge light I possess so no one is mistaken.

Sorry for being raised by the same family as you

Grew up and tried to mend my inherited wounds

But you couldn’t love me through

Not like I did you…

Broken

There are some things that can’t be mended

Not even if you’re a vet