You let me go

So let me go

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Nightmares

Woke up to a bad night terror after reading your text at 3 a.m.

We were riding in a car then sitting in a bed watching TV and I kept asking, “Are you going to move on,” to which you constantly replied, “Looks that way.” I kept ruminating on it. Every time you answered, “Looks that way,” I broke down and cried. I must’ve cried and asked that question for the entire hour of which I fell back asleep in.

Your response always the same. Me always hoping for something different. Your reply always leaning towards yes, you’re moving on but always left a sliver of no –which I held onto as hope.

I awakened with my heart racing, thoughts spinning, and a migraine. I had to talk myself down because I wanted to scream.

Look what’s been done.

My concert

I was depressed. Holed up in my room to prove that I do not need to seek attention to move past my pain. To be loyal without their commitment. To not indulge in the toxic environment.

I finally decided to go out. To treat myself to a concert I planned on going to for months. I was hurt by the response of a loved one who even guilted me for this. The one time I actually did something since all of this. Turns out there was a motivating factor in this lashing out.

Anyhow, although it killed my excitement, I went anyways. Alone. Another lonely soul stood near me, and something told me she was alone. I asked as she confirmed. She relayed to me she bought tickets for two for a person she’d been seeing for half a year. She communicated with him, he expressed his excitedness to go. She hopped on a train and came four hours to San Diego, for him to flake on her leaving her stranded at the train station.

I’m not sure how I knew, or why she fully opened up to me about her heartbreak and depression but she did. I needed someone raw and real and relatable that night.

Call and Response

Your dog misses you.

For what it’s worth, you don’t take in what I’m reflecting and consider it neutrally. How can there be growth without taking a moment to consider what you don’t see?

Fuck you for advertising my mental illness as a badge of honor you’ve earned.

• I would not wish that illness on you; I am not proud. I am simply trying to process all of the things that have gone on. 

Fuck you for never ever taking accountability and responsibility in the failure of our 5 year relationship.

• I recall sending a text apologizing for my things. You do not see the work I’ve done. You will not see the work, responsibility and accountability I have taken on. 

Fuck you for taking my weaknesses for granted, and then victimizing yourself when I stand my ground.

• Weakness? Stand your ground. Never did I play victim. I had a mental breakdown looming and I’m sorry it was a barrier in addressing your needs. I didn’t do it on purpose. Though you will always see it (and me) that way. 

Fuck you for never even TRYING to be an equal partner to me, for all of the lies and deceit, and for many many many friends and strangers Ive lost because of your jealousy and manipulation.

• I was more than an equal partner to you at times when you were habitually deceiving and cheating on me –you acknowledged this. There were times you did your part too, though (in a good way). If you “lost” friends, how much of a friend were they? Jealousy, that my ‘girl’ flirted with people who claimed to be friends? OF COURSE. Boundaries regarding engaging with this ill-wishing people? OF COURSE! Showing you toxic friends that encouraged unhealthy habits in you. You want to be blind to that: pick up where you left off. 

Fuck you for bending the truth and pretending in front of your friends and family while I look like the asshole.

• Bending? To family and “friends” where?! MY FAMILY STILL DOESN’T know any of what’s happened past Spectrum. I HIDE that SHIT from my one friend BECAUSE I KNOW PEOPLE PERSONALIZE IT and I don’t want anyone talking down about someone I loved so much.

Fuck you for blaming me for all of the financial struggles I WENT THROUGH ALONE. I just had you there, staring and judging like you weren’t enjoying the food, roof, and fucking easiness you had while I “scammed” apartments and did what I could for money to provide for someone who did JACK SHIT FOR ME.

• I wasn’t equal financially in majority circumstances. I’m sorry. In honesty, you know and I know you held a moving pattern where you got over on places. If you didn’t pay rent, why do you think I need to pay half for a place you weren’t even paying on. And when I found a place I loved so much, I offered $700 a month. When we moved, I payed what I could for movers. I paid for the $1,000 you’ll be receiving for you-know-what. 

Fuck you for hurting me for years, and then blaming me for the hurt you feel after I end it. I am glad WE will never speak again.

• I am so, so, SO, so sorry I heart your heart. That is the last thing I can bear to read –let alone for years. If we were in a place for respectful, tactful communication I would hear all your wounds and do what I could to make amends. I say you hurt me because you did. One’s hurt doesn’t mean another can’t hurt simultaneously. Even now –in your last sentence you are hurting me, intentionally, and I know it is out of your own hurt. This is what you do. You LIED to me in my most vulnerable, depressed mental state and had a girl in the bed. This is what you do. When we are not well, you do regrettable things with girls and lie to cover it. If you’re going to choose to do these things, I hope they would be things that made you proud.  

Transcendence

Last night, a tree and a flower crossed paths. Both examples of life. The relation not coincidental. Resin from a tree and a flower blooming from a plant. It was meant.

I was approached: “You needed to be here,” I did. Embraced, breathing together I felt a transfer of energy.

Vibrating, shivering, shaking, tingling, involuntary movements, ringing in my ears, crying, screaming, blacking out of holotropic transpersonal experiences.

Awakened, dusting dead bark and protruding forth. I came through.

Borderline

A. Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by: (met)

1. Impairments in self functioning (a or b):

a. Identity: Markedly impoverished, poorly developed, or unstable self-image, often associated with excessive self-criticism; chronic feelings of emptiness; dissociative states under stress. Applies

b. Self-direction: Instability in goals, aspirations, values, or career plans.

AND

2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):

a. Empathy: Compromised ability to recognize the feelings and needs of others associated with interpersonal hypersensitivity (i.e., prone to feel slighted or insulted); perceptions of others selectively biased toward negative attributes or vulnerabilities. Applies

b. Intimacy: Intense, unstable, and conflicted close relationships, marked by mistrust, neediness, and anxious preoccupation with real or imagined abandonment; close relationships often viewed in extremes of idealization and devaluation and alternating between over involvement and withdrawal. Applies

B. Pathological personality traits in the following domains: Somewhat met

1. Negative Affectivity, characterized by:

a. Emotional lability: Unstable emotional experiences and frequent mood changes; emotions that are easily aroused, intense, and/or out of proportion to events and circumstances. Some applies

b. Anxiousness: Intense feelings of nervousness, tenseness, or panic, often in reaction to interpersonal stresses; worry about the negative effects of past unpleasant experiences and future negative possibilities; feeling fearful, apprehensive, or threatened by uncertainty; fears of falling apart or losing control. Applies

c. Separation insecurity: Fears of rejection by – and/or separation from – significant others, associated with fears of excessive dependency and complete loss of autonomy. Damn, applies

d. Depressivity: Frequent feelings of being down, miserable, and/or hopeless; difficulty recovering from such moods; pessimism about the future; pervasive shame; feeling of inferior self-worth; thoughts of suicide and suicidal behavior. Applies, situationally (aka atypical depression)

2. Disinhibition, characterized by:

a. Impulsivity: Acting on the spur of the moment in response to immediate stimuli; acting on a momentary basis without a plan or consideration of outcomes; difficulty establishing or following plans; a sense of urgency and self-harming behavior under emotional distress. Some applies

b. Risk taking: Engagement in dangerous, risky, and potentially self-damaging activities, unnecessarily and without regard to consequences; lack of concern for one’s limitations and denial of the reality of personal danger. Maybe in the past. 

 3. Antagonism, characterized by: Not met

a. Hostility: Persistent or frequent angry feelings; anger or irritability in response to minor slights and insults.

C. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations. Not met

D. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not better understood as normative for the individual’s developmental stage or socio-cultural environment. Not met, somewhat. 

E. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not solely due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., severe head trauma).

Given it would take a professional to diagnose; while certain traits exist, not all criteria is met to diagnose BPD. Traits for sure can be resolved/situational (in mainly romantically toxic contexts). Definitely have been devoted to being worked on. 

Another diagnosis to consider is CPTSD (Complex PTSD). It can be a result of the following traumas:

• experiencing childhood neglect
• experiencing other types of abuse early in life
• experiencing domestic abuse
• experiencing human trafficking
• being a prisoner of war
• living in a region affected by war

Complex PTSD is a relatively recent concept. Because of its variable nature, healthcare professionals may instead diagnose another condition. They may be especially likely to diagnose borderline personality disorder (BPD).

Some researchers have identified areas of substantial overlap between complex PTSD and BPD.

Symptoms can include:

• A negative self-view. Complex PTSD can cause a person to view themselves negatively and feel helpless, guilty, or ashamed. They often consider themselves to be different from other people.
• Changes in beliefs and worldview. People with either condition may hold a negative view of the world and the people in it or lose faith in previously held beliefs.
• Emotional regulation difficulties. These conditions can cause people to lose control over their emotions. They may experience intense anger or sadness or have thoughts of suicide.
• Relationship issues. Relationships may suffer due to difficulties trusting and interacting, and because of a negative self-view. A person with either condition may develop unhealthy relationships because they are what the person has known in the past. Interestingly enough, I always got into relationships with people who acted untrustworthy, thus fueling my mistrust. 
• Detachment from the trauma. A person may dissociate, which means feeling detached from emotions or physical sensations. Some people completely forget the trauma.
• Preoccupation with an abuser. It is not uncommon to fixate on the abuser, the relationship with the abuser, or getting revenge for the abuse.

Not saying this is for sure a thing, but I thought I’d look into the symptoms I observed as active and similar conditions.

Trying to decipher what’s gone on here, something about it all seems so abnormal. Just trying to figure out what is what. Not saying this is what it is, but some behaviors they exhibited (in bold) and some I did too (bold as well). I apologize for all the unhealthy, negative actions I exhibited. I’m letting those go for good.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201709/how-spot-narcissistic-abuse

What is Narcissistic Abuse
Abuse may be emotional, mental, physical, financial, spiritual, or sexual. Here are a few examples of abuse you may not have identified:

• Verbal abuse: Verbal abuse includes belittling, bullying, accusing, blaming, shaming, demanding, ordering, threatening, criticizing, sarcasm, raging, opposing, undermining, interrupting, blocking, and name-calling. Note that many people occasionally make demands, use sarcasm, interrupt, oppose, criticize, blame, or block you. Consider the context, malice, and frequency of the behavior before labeling it narcissistic abuse. This…the belittling, accusing (“of doing something), shaming (“my nipples out” when it’s not), demanding (“moral obligations”), ordering (“say ‘I’m coming over right now, Name.’ Say it”), threatening (“well if you don’t please me, then I’ll have to get it elsewhere and you can’t complain”), sarcasm, raging (at times),  etc.

• Manipulation: Generally, manipulation is indirect influence on someone to behave in a way that furthers the goals of the manipulator. Often, it expresses covert aggression. Think of a “wolf in sheep’s clothing.” On the surface, the words seem harmless – even complimentary; but underneath you feel demeaned or sense a hostile intent. If you experienced manipulation growing up, you may not recognize it as such. See my blog on spotting manipulation. The hiding of the truth to keep me around, from moving on. Making me feel like a paranoid fool for what I noticed, which was common sense in actuality. 

• Emotional blackmail: Emotional blackmail may include threats, anger, warnings, intimidation, or punishment. It’s a form of manipulation that provokes doubt in you. You feel fear, obligation, and or guilt, sometimes referred to as “FOG” The sexual “obligations” you said I was required to fulfill, or else don’t feel bad. 

• Gaslighting: Intentionally making you distrust your perceptions of reality or believe that you’re mentally incompetent. Noticing things that would have sent a red flag up for anyone else. Furthermore, communicating these things to you only for you to try and disarm my common sense. Noticing dating profiles you said you deleted, only for you to straight-face lie to me. Noticing pictures being sent, you telling me to trust you that you’re just “making friends,” that I’m paranoid an untrusting when I really caught onto a lie. I’ve also done some share of gaslighting. I’m sorry. 

• Competition: Competing and one-upping to always be on top, sometimes through unethical means. E.g. cheating in a game.
• Negative contrasting: Unnecessarily making comparisons to negatively contrast you with the narcissist or other people. You’ve done this, I have too. I’m sorry. 
• Sabotage: Disruptive interference with your endeavors or relationships for the purpose of revenge or personal advantage. Disclosing your skewed perceptions of me to people I considered “friends,” to general people. 

• Exploitation and objectification: Using or taking advantage of you for personal ends without regard for your feelings or needs. Emotionally. 

• Lying: Persistent deception to avoid responsibility or to achieve the narcissist’s own ends. Oh, the lies (see above, and so many more). I’ve also lied about a few things as of late and I’m sosososo sorry. It wasn’t deserved at all. 

• Withholding: Withholding such things as money, sex, communication or affection from you. Mmm…still pondering this one before writing it off. 

• Neglect: Ignoring the needs of a child for whom the abuser is responsible. Includes child endangerment; i.e., placing or leaving a child in a dangerous situation.

• Privacy invasion: Ignoring your boundaries by looking through your things, phone, mail; denying your physical privacy or stalking or following you; ignoring privacy you’ve requested. Me, all the way. And then in the last two months you. This was one of my biggest struggles; although, I was on a quest for a truth you wouldn’t give me. Still, I should’ve walked away if that were the case instead of resorting to this. I’m doing the work on this as I had towards the end. My many apologies. 

• Character assassination or slander: Spreading malicious gossip or lies about you to other people. More like slanted experiences. 

• Violence: Violence includes blocking your movement, pulling hair, throwing things, or destroying your property. I don’t need to call this out, though it wasn’t common, it happened. 

• Financial abuse: Financial abuse might include controlling you through economic domination or draining your finances through extortion, theft, manipulation, or gambling, or by accruing debt in your name or selling your personal property. Mmm, though you may fail to recognize your contributions, we are both guilty. 

• Isolation: Isolating you from friends, family, or access to outside services and support through control, manipulation, verbal abuse, character assassination, or other means of abuse. Both. I to you, for sure as a lack of trust and sometimes seeing some people didn’t help your situation. You to me, through accusing on occasions.

Narcissism and the severity of abuse exist on a continuum. It may range from ignoring your feelings to violent aggression. Typically, narcissists don’t take responsibility for their behavior and shift the blame to you or others; however, some do self-reflect and are capable of feeling guilt.