Allied in Action

What does it mean to be allies, in this day and age why is there still injustice left to fight?

Why to each other we must bind, gather formation in a line, pray to who you hold most divine

That our community will be alright

All rise, for allegiance to a flag we must pledge

Why does adding black and brown to the rainbow make so many people red?

Instead, we must practice what we preach

Honor differences in each other, it’s what makes us all unique

I speak, from experience of indifference within the black lesbian community

Where words can shred each other apart, instead we need to hold in unity

I act in honor of my brother who is trans

For awareness of our right to identity

You’re not entitled to tell me who I am

I am layers upon layers of minority

Dispositioned to more risks than who we call majority

Learning to love more of me

And by me I mean every one of you fam

Because injustice in the smallest of corners can spread across the whole land

 

Trans is beautiful

top

I have so much energy concentrated in me

I just want to punch through this wall, hoping it was your face

But I replace

Physical with mental

That’s what happens with people in an oppressed place

You have to move with grace

I’ve always seen it happen to others

But living in my liberal bubble

I never thought it would happen to I, or my favorite little guy

To wake up unassuming and have hatred be the first thing that meets my eyes

I wanted to cry

On the last day of this all-too-perfect transformation trip of my brother’s

There just had to be another

Going out of their goddamn way

Invading someone else’s personal space

And for what?

To progress hate

I’m sorry sir, you say that that calling someone else a “thing” is simply disagreeing

You tell me WHEN it’s NOT with hate that one dehumanizes another human being

Regardless of separate paths of thinking

I reflect back on visiting the African American Museum

And how it was this same predatory hate that exacerbated minorities lives

Until they were at wit’s end

And at that end, was where our push for further freedom began

Equality and respect as a human for all

If not for all, then every one of us is threatened

I pain, I hurt for my little brother

That this is the world he faces

If you disagree don’t go out of your way to make it uncomfortable for me

Why can’t you just turn your cheek?

I know there are people on my friend’s list who hold their tongue

Which surprised me, but I am grateful for at least that and hopeful for at least the openness to learn more

You can’t go anywhere else, mentally, if you are shut in by your own shut doors

I am writing a letter to Instagram and will go as far as to stop using it

If they can allow hatred to be posted but are intolerable to trans people posting the most joyous moment of their lives, then there are taking their power and choosing to abuse it

You’re not touching me

After two long weeks of writing, I told myself I never wanted to write again

Yet here I am

Eagerly pushing to pen out this piece

All because of what you did to me

You say have a certain respect for people when they’re sleep

Not me

You must consider me lower than a person

Must think I’m some kind of extra burden

You’ve been looking for a way out

Trying to pick a fight with me, I stay away

Didn’t even know I fell asleep on the couch

Until I feel lights on and hear you rustling around

In and out

Mind groggy, I’m sorry for whatever way I offended you when I asked if you can turn the lights out

But I was met with a foul mouth

“I’ll turn them off when I want”

I know it was a taunt

So instead, I decide to go to bed

In the other room

Yet here you come

This impending doom

As I lay back you snatch the pillow and I knew

I knew! I knew you were trying to fight

I gave you your space, but you still weren’t satisfied

You wanted me to suffer

Waking up this morning, I ask myself why

Why did I have to feed into that line?

Yet the other side

Is like

She doesn’t have to disrespect you, if you can withhold she can try

And then I buy

I stooped down low to your level, instead of saying, “girl, bye”

Like I’ve done the last three times

You, in your mania, tower over me

Provoke me

Over a pillow

There’s got to be something else

There’s got to be someone else

Or some underlying discomfort with the fact I went to sleep peacefully last night

It’s sad because, while I’ve thought 100 times about what I could’ve done different

You probably feel justified

Leo, right?

Ha

For myself, my expectations are not to respond to the taunting

Leave if someone’s on me

Let it go

Then…

Let you go

I’m tired of being the person who is always telling myself, “Amber, she’s mad just let it go”

The more I do it, the more you won’t leave it alone

Damn, I guess my grumpiness from being startled out my sleep got the best of me

Day of empowerment

In a room full of people who have been shamed for being in their skin,

I feel uncomfortable in mine

Me, the seemingly cisgender, lesbian

My heart races, skin crawls, head down

Why do I bring myself to the ledge, knowing I am afraid to jump?

Most may not see it as progress, but I know my own progress –even if I move at a snails pace

I took the step forward

Then backed all the way up

Like a video in reverse into my car

Why am I here? Why didn’t I bring someone? What am I doing?

And then I look at my phone to the person I love so much and how they have given up on me

So I cannot give up on me

Fast forward, I am standing at the door of The Center again

I feel like the minority, I feel displaced but I want to belong

I want to say hi, but I hold my own hand over my mouth in fear that I may mess up

I go in

Take in the scenery while quickly rushing to the all-gender restroom

Go into the male stall

God why did I do that?

I am here

Hiding in a bathroom stall like Lindsay Lohan in Mean Girls

I feel failed but I feel progress at the same time

I come out and look for a friendly face who may be looking to make a new friend too

No one

Everyone is clicked up

I leave

And think

There’s always trans pride

The irony

My brother is not a girl

My brother

My brother’s not a girl

He’s opened my eyes to a whole new world

Where gender defies form

And black and white is not the norm

He carries a heaviness on his shoulders

One that grows like the size of his tits, as he gets older

Until he can truly look himself in his eyes

And be happy that what he sees matches with what he identifies by

I’m jolted awake when I sleep at night

Headaches from his demons that I’m trying to help fight

Disapproval mounting everywhere

I keep a strong face when I know I’m scared

Afraid not of what people think

But if their pressure took his life from me

If people are too blind to see

Thinking they have the right to “teach”

If he dies I will never forgive you

All of your lies

Look what religion did to you

No second tries

You can’t undo what’s done

Would you rather have him dead as a daughter or alive as a son?

If I only knew what a push could do…

Who needs closure
When your partner gets upset over something so simple
And then choses to fight with you while you’re sleep
You say that was the one thing you’d never do to me
Because you witnessed it with your mother
But you did
You got upset because I told you to make a decision about what we should do for my birthday weekend
There was a reason I felt like this time it wasn’t a time for celebration
You move to the living room
And I nurse NyQuil for sleep
I have work at 6 in the morning
30 minutes later I’m awakened by you
Back in the room rustling around
Seems like you were intentionally trying to wake me
Yes I was grumpy but I said nothing
Until you pulled the covers back from me
And I fussed
I really had no clue where the remote was
And you went from 0 to 100
In a matter of seconds
It was fuck me bitch
But the worst time was the second
When you came looking for your charger
That I really didn’t have
I admit I unplugged it but I left it near where it was originally at
Here you come marching ripping my phone from off the charger
I jump up and push you
Taking things a little further
But you made the swing
That set us off blow after blow
What has changed your temperament towards me
I’d really like to know
There’s some things you’re not yet past
And it justifies you talking to me like I’m shit
I told myself keep working, because with you it’s worth it
You spew every vile word that I uttered to you in confidence
Telling me that I like getting beat
That I asked for this violence
Sitting here in my car
I no longer pity myself
I’ve got too much else to care for
I’ve got to man up or else
I think about my brother who needs me very bad
I’d rather sleep in this car than to let him see how I am instead
I admit I shouldn’t have pushed you
For that I am wrong
But you knew what you were doing
You were pushing for a fight all along

On the way out

front door

There’s always a point I reach, in my more serious relationships, where I know I care. It used to be a good thing, but now it scares me. That’s what a few bad relationships can do to you I guess- for me it only took two.

I know I’ve lost control. I know I will be there, even when I shouldn’t. That used to be something I thought was valuable- the willingness to stick it out. But now, my not knowing when to cut-off is just outright unhealthy. And I know it!

My heart overpowers my mind. All the time. I just thought this time I had it under control for sure.

I do, to some extent now (thank God). It used to be that someone could physically cheat on me and I knew I wouldn’t leave. Someone could beat the crap out of me, and I’d stay.

I used to reason, “Well, that wasn’t as bad as my last.”

I never learned that just because it’s not as bad doesn’t mean it should be overlooked.

I find myself saying that today.

I find myself wanting to mirror your reactions.

I find myself confused about what the “right” thing is to do.

My open-minded logic has me debating internally. I let my organs to the fighting; I’m just the host suffering the blows.

I stood there knowing very well that it was wrong, but knowing very well that I’d let it go.

Because I’m not ready to let you go.

I know I crossed my boundaries. I can see me somewhat slipping from my own control.

I wondered why I had this split personality when I drank. Deep down I felt it: something doesn’t sit right.

Told myself, I’m being paranoid like before. Not noticing that before I was right.

I’m already trying to rationalize away the potholes in this foundation.

Boundaries.

I always needed evidence.

My therapist used to say, “Ninety-nine percent of the time, your intuition is evidence enough.”

That I can’t go on conducting investigations.

I’d worry,”What if my ‘intuition’ fell under that one percent and I was wrong?”

She never gave an answer I was satisfied with, so I understood her logic- I was just never satisfied with it.

I guess that’s why I slipped.

You’ve treated me the best.

Thus far

But like I said before, just because it’s better doesn’t mean it’s okay- that’s my unhealthy rationale kicking in again.

Sometimes better

Is just not

good

enough