Why it’s so hard for me to leave

Banksy heart balloon

Leaving, for me it’s a scary thing

I’ve never really left anything

I can’t take credit for leaving my abusive ex-boyfriend

I tried, but I distanced myself until it was enough to push him to leave me

I never left my first job

I tried, but I just was absent for extended periods of time until they shut down

I never left my second job

I just acted however I wanted, until we came to an amicable agreement

The one thing that I did leave, without any fear

Was home.

And since then I’ve been on a search for where my existence belongs

Usually burying my heart into others

Until they’ve had enough and they dig it up

I tried leaving it alone

The whole relationship thing

But no matter what, I just… can’t… leave

Maybe I’m in love with the struggle in me

I’m always striving to reach new heights

Excuse me if my optimism tries to trump your pessimism

Or maybe it’s my paranoia

My optimistic future always my hope, but my pessimistic past to remind me

I want to let go and not feel, and then maybe I wouldn’t have to attach myself to a life with you

Attaching my family to a future with you

Just attaching period

Dealing with your periodic detachment

We always rehash it

Feeling like I fool when I don’t agree with you

You drag me with you as you leave

Clinging to the edges of your attire as if you were Jesus himself

I said I want to let go, to be lost, and in this moment I am lost in the now.

If only I could write forever…

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Projection

It’s so frustrating

To be putting your all into something –and to have it ripped to shreds off of some invalid belief

Invalid, but not totally because apart of me understands why you think that

But that thought isn’t a fact

I don’t hold on like that

That’s not where I’m at

Leaving me here with no clue

 Now what can I do

To show you that I love no other like I do you

Something out of nothing

Part of me questions is it because someone else you’re wanting

It certainly seems that way

I’m always trying to hide from the old you

Every time I think we’re good, we’re too good to be true

It’s just too good to be just me and you

Evict

Rusty padlock on an old metal door

You cannot expect me to not respect me
Left me
Doesn’t affect me
Failed calls
You can’t connect with me
Glad you didn’t get the best of me

Solace in the soul-less

Sheets

Lovers lie between white sheets of lies

Intent on covering up more than their bodies

Entangled between your dreams and mine

Show me something more than what’s brought me

Where love has brought me, what love has taught me

I’ve yearned for true love, from a lack thereof, since I was little. Now, after abusive and un-monogamous relationships, I’ve come to terms with my depressing fate: I just cannot be in a relationship anymore. That means never getting serious, never getting too close to anyone. The thought first penetrated my mind prior to this past, miniscule-length relationship. I started acting in a manner that protected me from that, and then I was stupid enough to entertain the idea again. Now here I am: refusing proper nutrition and Carlo Rossi in hand- straight from its original container. It’s déjà vu. My progress has had its reset button pushed.

 

I yearn for love, but my Mother Theresa save-the-world ways has put me at a disadvantage yet again. I cannot go on continuing to attempt to please everyone. Something’s got to give. My selflessness is my own detriment. My selflessness, in a way, makes me a good person to one and a bad person to the other. It’s common sense, but it has just clicked to me that happiness and selfishness have some sort of correlation.

 

I can’t go on like this. My heartache leads me to make unhealthy decisions for myself. It starts this process of not eating, not being able to hold food if I did eat, popping Vicodin to numb the pain, sleepless nights, drinking so that I can sleep, keeping my mind busy by working multiple jobs and by partying to forget the fact that I’m lonely.

 

I was going through this process where I was okay, and I know no other way, I have to go through it again- this time completing it.

 

I dreamed of moving away from the dysfunctional family I was born into; running off with someone who was as engulfed in my world as I was theirs, having kids, never looking back- only to be there for my sisters and to fulfill the usual cliché of living happily ever after.

 

How naïve.

 

Ironic, though, that I see my ideals in you the most- and no I’m not just saying that because it’s where I am now.

 

You. You are:

  • Intelligent – even though it makes me feel inferior at times
  • Beautiful
  • Successful
  • Selfless- to an extent
  • Capable

 

Furthermore, unlike before, it’s a huge coincidence is that I don’t even have to beg you to run away with me. You’ve brought up the idea yourself.

 

But when raised without a healthy model of love, you kind of don’t know how to give it- or to take it for that matter. That’s probably why compliments make me feel uncomfortable.

 

Sometimes my mind knows what the ideal action would be, but my fear of rejection keeps me from doing it.

 

It’s sad that it has to be like this. The one of only two, top lifelong achievements I’ve strived to attain- and here I am: the incapable.

 

Life has a way of dangling a bone just out of your reach in hopes that you are foolish enough to be infinitely entertained by what it is that you want so bad. It throws these obstacles at you, when the metaphorical finish line is in sight and says, “Whatcha gonna do now, huh?” and when you work past that there’s always, “How about now,” “What about this,” and “Oops, one last thing.” I know, because I’ve been through it enough. Age-old philosophies say that it’s just when you are about to give up that your goals is within fingertip’s grasp. But why is it like that?

 

Why is it that just when I’ve adopted this “fuck love” philosophy someone who used to hate love all of the sudden has found the very thing they hate.

 

Fate is photographed in a positive light, but it really is sadistic- and I want no part in it.

 

Kind of like my family. My family who raised me without the skills to attain the one thing I wanted the most; the one thing that’s necessary for an infant to even survive. My lack of love has caused me to yearn for love but the very thing that has propelled me to aspire for what I am missing has caused me to have a deficiency in the tools I need to attain what I aspire towards.

 

Then there’s this cliff-jumping thing that people say to do, despite what you feel. Apparently it yields the most success, yet making the least logical sense- ironic because love isn’t supposed to make sense anyways.

 

Yes, you are the person that possesses a majority of the traits that I look for in an ideal lover, but if you pass a marked-point, you’ve done just that. I have this intuition- as much as I don’t want to. Ignoring it has led to serious trouble before. I have an intuition about my intuition and it says that I will ignore my intuition.

 

Sigh. I know what’s coming.

 

I’ve yearned for true love, from a lack thereof, since I was little. But the thing about being young and dumb is, well, that you’re young… and dumb. We simply enjoy each other’s company until it turns sour or one of us is forced to fade away. True love is but a fairytale I once read in a book. In a world with trending open relationships, one night stands, threesomes and infidelity, true love simply does not exist.

Line chart showing interest in threesomes

 

 

Line chart of interest in open relationships

Interesting how open relationships didn’t even become relevant until 2005.

 

On the way out

front door

There’s always a point I reach, in my more serious relationships, where I know I care. It used to be a good thing, but now it scares me. That’s what a few bad relationships can do to you I guess- for me it only took two.

I know I’ve lost control. I know I will be there, even when I shouldn’t. That used to be something I thought was valuable- the willingness to stick it out. But now, my not knowing when to cut-off is just outright unhealthy. And I know it!

My heart overpowers my mind. All the time. I just thought this time I had it under control for sure.

I do, to some extent now (thank God). It used to be that someone could physically cheat on me and I knew I wouldn’t leave. Someone could beat the crap out of me, and I’d stay.

I used to reason, “Well, that wasn’t as bad as my last.”

I never learned that just because it’s not as bad doesn’t mean it should be overlooked.

I find myself saying that today.

I find myself wanting to mirror your reactions.

I find myself confused about what the “right” thing is to do.

My open-minded logic has me debating internally. I let my organs to the fighting; I’m just the host suffering the blows.

I stood there knowing very well that it was wrong, but knowing very well that I’d let it go.

Because I’m not ready to let you go.

I know I crossed my boundaries. I can see me somewhat slipping from my own control.

I wondered why I had this split personality when I drank. Deep down I felt it: something doesn’t sit right.

Told myself, I’m being paranoid like before. Not noticing that before I was right.

I’m already trying to rationalize away the potholes in this foundation.

Boundaries.

I always needed evidence.

My therapist used to say, “Ninety-nine percent of the time, your intuition is evidence enough.”

That I can’t go on conducting investigations.

I’d worry,”What if my ‘intuition’ fell under that one percent and I was wrong?”

She never gave an answer I was satisfied with, so I understood her logic- I was just never satisfied with it.

I guess that’s why I slipped.

You’ve treated me the best.

Thus far

But like I said before, just because it’s better doesn’t mean it’s okay- that’s my unhealthy rationale kicking in again.

Sometimes better

Is just not

good

enough

Deliver Me

Image

(source)

Let me go

I’m not strong enough to let go for myself

I’ve said it a million times before: you and I need help

Feelings deep within I sometimes wish I never felt

Thought projected onto paper, to you I’ll never tell

Let me go

Or treat me right

I feel there are two personalities inside of you that put up a fight

Is it why?

You find the need to leave on these random nights?

Leave me here with these thoughts

The past unfolding

The present a manifestation of the past

And a threshold for the future

I want so bad to trust you

But I know

You know you don’t want to lose her

Is it a good thing that you stay here?

Willing to try

Or is it bad because

You struggle so hard to treat me right?

So many times

I’ve fallen subject to your

Dreams

Your dreams, my nightmares

Married to Freddy

Loving you is a game of truth or dare

The truth I don’t want to hear

The dare I hesitate to take

Promises you make to break

I love you so much, I’m scared it’ll turn to hate

One day for the hell that’s been raised

For now, I’m not fazed

You and I want me to stay

Stay, stay, and delay

The day that I finally

Go                                                                                                                                Away