You’re okay

It hurts too much when
The thought of you hanging out with your mistress’ mutual friends
Distresses me
Even when she is states away
Because the thought that she gets to see you again -even on Snapchat -drives me insane
Because I want to erase everything ever associated with us coming out this way
You seem all too okay

Hustle

My career striving has been 15 years in the making

I’ve moved mountains, only to have more placed in front of me

I’ve been homeless, kicked out by a drug-addicted, manic-depressive mother at 17

I struggled through that, got two jobs and still my dreams were pressing me

Went to community college, survived DV

Made it into undergrad and graduated despite things

Got a DUI, bounced back

Grad school’s where I’m at

And now, yet again, despite intentions

Messed up systems keep pushing me back

They won’t hold me back

I’ve come too far

So I’ll do what I have to do

Sleep in a car

Take two steps back

But nothing will stop my drive to live a life from helping people

Like me and you

You’re not touching me

After two long weeks of writing, I told myself I never wanted to write again

Yet here I am

Eagerly pushing to pen out this piece

All because of what you did to me

You say have a certain respect for people when they’re sleep

Not me

You must consider me lower than a person

Must think I’m some kind of extra burden

You’ve been looking for a way out

Trying to pick a fight with me, I stay away

Didn’t even know I fell asleep on the couch

Until I feel lights on and hear you rustling around

In and out

Mind groggy, I’m sorry for whatever way I offended you when I asked if you can turn the lights out

But I was met with a foul mouth

“I’ll turn them off when I want”

I know it was a taunt

So instead, I decide to go to bed

In the other room

Yet here you come

This impending doom

As I lay back you snatch the pillow and I knew

I knew! I knew you were trying to fight

I gave you your space, but you still weren’t satisfied

You wanted me to suffer

Waking up this morning, I ask myself why

Why did I have to feed into that line?

Yet the other side

Is like

She doesn’t have to disrespect you, if you can withhold she can try

And then I buy

I stooped down low to your level, instead of saying, “girl, bye”

Like I’ve done the last three times

You, in your mania, tower over me

Provoke me

Over a pillow

There’s got to be something else

There’s got to be someone else

Or some underlying discomfort with the fact I went to sleep peacefully last night

It’s sad because, while I’ve thought 100 times about what I could’ve done different

You probably feel justified

Leo, right?

Ha

For myself, my expectations are not to respond to the taunting

Leave if someone’s on me

Let it go

Then…

Let you go

I’m tired of being the person who is always telling myself, “Amber, she’s mad just let it go”

The more I do it, the more you won’t leave it alone

Damn, I guess my grumpiness from being startled out my sleep got the best of me

There’s a thin line

There’s a thin line

And we tread it

Daily

You ever look at mass murderers

And say, “how did it get there?”

You see testimonies of people who knew them saying, “he was quiet, didn’t appear to be capable of doing that.”

I’m wondering how we got here again

My insides screaming, “that’s not me”

But last night it was

What was it?

Was it the tequila

How did we get here?

One night, one lie turned our world upside down

Can I attribute it to me not taking my medicine?

How diminishing

That I need that

Furthermore, that I cannot afford that

Society wants you to be a model citizen

But if systematic dysfunction has left your family with generations of depression and anxiety

They do not provide the means for you to do so

I feel helpless

 

A letter to myself

You are not useless. You are not a bad person. You are dedicated to those you love and to growing yourself and you should still love yourself despite your mistakes, because you are still figuring out what’s “normal,” because you never knew what normal was. You are human and you will make mistakes but you will grow. As long as you know that your mistake was of pure heart and you are dedicated to learning from that then no malice was done.

 If someone who you showed all your scars to can walk away during your healing then they don’t deserve to have you when you are healed, nor were they willing to wait.

The most beautiful flower blossoms late.

Why it’s so hard for me to leave

Banksy heart balloon

Leaving, for me it’s a scary thing

I’ve never really left anything

I can’t take credit for leaving my abusive ex-boyfriend

I tried, but I distanced myself until it was enough to push him to leave me

I never left my first job

I tried, but I just was absent for extended periods of time until they shut down

I never left my second job

I just acted however I wanted, until we came to an amicable agreement

The one thing that I did leave, without any fear

Was home.

And since then I’ve been on a search for where my existence belongs

Usually burying my heart into others

Until they’ve had enough and they dig it up

I tried leaving it alone

The whole relationship thing

But no matter what, I just… can’t… leave

Maybe I’m in love with the struggle in me

I’m always striving to reach new heights

Excuse me if my optimism tries to trump your pessimism

Or maybe it’s my paranoia

My optimistic future always my hope, but my pessimistic past to remind me

I want to let go and not feel, and then maybe I wouldn’t have to attach myself to a life with you

Attaching my family to a future with you

Just attaching period

Dealing with your periodic detachment

We always rehash it

Feeling like I fool when I don’t agree with you

You drag me with you as you leave

Clinging to the edges of your attire as if you were Jesus himself

I said I want to let go, to be lost, and in this moment I am lost in the now.

If only I could write forever…

If I only knew what a push could do…

Who needs closure
When your partner gets upset over something so simple
And then choses to fight with you while you’re sleep
You say that was the one thing you’d never do to me
Because you witnessed it with your mother
But you did
You got upset because I told you to make a decision about what we should do for my birthday weekend
There was a reason I felt like this time it wasn’t a time for celebration
You move to the living room
And I nurse NyQuil for sleep
I have work at 6 in the morning
30 minutes later I’m awakened by you
Back in the room rustling around
Seems like you were intentionally trying to wake me
Yes I was grumpy but I said nothing
Until you pulled the covers back from me
And I fussed
I really had no clue where the remote was
And you went from 0 to 100
In a matter of seconds
It was fuck me bitch
But the worst time was the second
When you came looking for your charger
That I really didn’t have
I admit I unplugged it but I left it near where it was originally at
Here you come marching ripping my phone from off the charger
I jump up and push you
Taking things a little further
But you made the swing
That set us off blow after blow
What has changed your temperament towards me
I’d really like to know
There’s some things you’re not yet past
And it justifies you talking to me like I’m shit
I told myself keep working, because with you it’s worth it
You spew every vile word that I uttered to you in confidence
Telling me that I like getting beat
That I asked for this violence
Sitting here in my car
I no longer pity myself
I’ve got too much else to care for
I’ve got to man up or else
I think about my brother who needs me very bad
I’d rather sleep in this car than to let him see how I am instead
I admit I shouldn’t have pushed you
For that I am wrong
But you knew what you were doing
You were pushing for a fight all along