I never wanted the world, I just wanted YOU.

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Transcendence

Last night, a tree and a flower crossed paths. Both examples of life. The relation not coincidental. Resin from a tree and a flower blooming from a plant. It was meant.

I was approached: “You needed to be here,” I did. Embraced, breathing together I felt a transfer of energy.

Vibrating, shivering, shaking, tingling, involuntary movements, ringing in my ears, crying, screaming, blacking out of holotropic transpersonal experiences.

Awakened, dusting dead bark and protruding forth. I came through.

Borderline

A. Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by: (met)

1. Impairments in self functioning (a or b):

a. Identity: Markedly impoverished, poorly developed, or unstable self-image, often associated with excessive self-criticism; chronic feelings of emptiness; dissociative states under stress. Applies

b. Self-direction: Instability in goals, aspirations, values, or career plans.

AND

2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):

a. Empathy: Compromised ability to recognize the feelings and needs of others associated with interpersonal hypersensitivity (i.e., prone to feel slighted or insulted); perceptions of others selectively biased toward negative attributes or vulnerabilities. Applies

b. Intimacy: Intense, unstable, and conflicted close relationships, marked by mistrust, neediness, and anxious preoccupation with real or imagined abandonment; close relationships often viewed in extremes of idealization and devaluation and alternating between over involvement and withdrawal. Applies

B. Pathological personality traits in the following domains: Somewhat met

1. Negative Affectivity, characterized by:

a. Emotional lability: Unstable emotional experiences and frequent mood changes; emotions that are easily aroused, intense, and/or out of proportion to events and circumstances. Some applies

b. Anxiousness: Intense feelings of nervousness, tenseness, or panic, often in reaction to interpersonal stresses; worry about the negative effects of past unpleasant experiences and future negative possibilities; feeling fearful, apprehensive, or threatened by uncertainty; fears of falling apart or losing control. Applies

c. Separation insecurity: Fears of rejection by – and/or separation from – significant others, associated with fears of excessive dependency and complete loss of autonomy. Damn, applies

d. Depressivity: Frequent feelings of being down, miserable, and/or hopeless; difficulty recovering from such moods; pessimism about the future; pervasive shame; feeling of inferior self-worth; thoughts of suicide and suicidal behavior. Applies, situationally (aka atypical depression)

2. Disinhibition, characterized by:

a. Impulsivity: Acting on the spur of the moment in response to immediate stimuli; acting on a momentary basis without a plan or consideration of outcomes; difficulty establishing or following plans; a sense of urgency and self-harming behavior under emotional distress. Some applies

b. Risk taking: Engagement in dangerous, risky, and potentially self-damaging activities, unnecessarily and without regard to consequences; lack of concern for one’s limitations and denial of the reality of personal danger. Maybe in the past. 

 3. Antagonism, characterized by: Not met

a. Hostility: Persistent or frequent angry feelings; anger or irritability in response to minor slights and insults.

C. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations. Not met

D. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not better understood as normative for the individual’s developmental stage or socio-cultural environmentNot met, somewhat. 

E. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not solely due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., severe head trauma).

Given it would take a professional to diagnose; while certain traits exist, not all criteria is met to diagnose BPD. Traits for sure can be resolved/situational (in mainly romantically toxic contexts). Definitely have been devoted to being worked on. 

Another diagnosis to consider is CPTSD (Complex PTSD). It can be a result of the following traumas:

  • experiencing childhood neglect
  • experiencing other types of abuse early in life
  • experiencing domestic abuse
  • experiencing human trafficking
  • being a prisoner of war
  • living in a region affected by war

Complex PTSD is a relatively recent concept. Because of its variable nature, healthcare professionals may instead diagnose another condition. They may be especially likely to diagnose borderline personality disorder (BPD).

Some researchers have identified areas of substantial overlap between complex PTSD and BPD.

Symptoms can include:

  • A negative self-view. Complex PTSD can cause a person to view themselves negatively and feel helpless, guilty, or ashamed. They often consider themselves to be different from other people.
  • Changes in beliefs and worldview. People with either condition may hold a negative view of the world and the people in it or lose faith in previously held beliefs.
  • Emotional regulation difficulties. These conditions can cause people to lose control over their emotions. They may experience intense anger or sadness or have thoughts of suicide.
  • Relationship issues. Relationships may suffer due to difficulties trusting and interacting, and because of a negative self-view. A person with either condition may develop unhealthy relationships because they are what the person has known in the past. Interestingly enough, I always got into relationships with people who acted untrustworthy, thus fueling my mistrust. 
  • Detachment from the trauma. A person may dissociate, which means feeling detached from emotions or physical sensations. Some people completely forget the trauma.
  • Preoccupation with an abuser. It is not uncommon to fixate on the abuser, the relationship with the abuser, or getting revenge for the abuse.

Not saying this is for sure a thing, but I thought I’d look into the symptoms I observed as active and similar conditions.

Trying to decipher what’s gone on here, something about it all seems so abnormal. Just trying to figure out what is what. Not saying this is what it is, but some behaviors they exhibited (in bold) and some I did too (bold as well). I apologize for all the unhealthy, negative actions I exhibited. I’m letting those go for good.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201709/how-spot-narcissistic-abuse

What is Narcissistic Abuse
Abuse may be emotional, mental, physical, financial, spiritual, or sexual. Here are a few examples of abuse you may not have identified:

  • Verbal abuse: Verbal abuse includes belittling, bullying, accusing, blaming, shaming, demanding, ordering, threatening, criticizing, sarcasm, raging, opposing, undermining, interrupting, blocking, and name-calling. Note that many people occasionally make demands, use sarcasm, interrupt, oppose, criticize, blame, or block you. Consider the context, malice, and frequency of the behavior before labeling it narcissistic abuse. This…the belittling, accusing (“of doing something), shaming (“my nipples out” when it’s not), demanding (“moral obligations”), ordering (“say ‘I’m coming over right now, Name.’ Say it”), threatening (“well if you don’t please me, then I’ll have to get it elsewhere and you can’t complain”), sarcasm, raging (at times),  etc.
  • Manipulation: Generally, manipulation is indirect influence on someone to behave in a way that furthers the goals of the manipulator. Often, it expresses covert aggression. Think of a “wolf in sheep’s clothing.” On the surface, the words seem harmless – even complimentary; but underneath you feel demeaned or sense a hostile intent. If you experienced manipulation growing up, you may not recognize it as such. See my blog on spotting manipulation. The hiding of the truth to keep me around, from moving on. Making me feel like a paranoid fool for what I noticed, which was common sense in actuality. 
  • Emotional blackmail: Emotional blackmail may include threats, anger, warnings, intimidation, or punishment. It’s a form of manipulation that provokes doubt in you. You feel fear, obligation, and or guilt, sometimes referred to as “FOG” The sexual “obligations” you said I was required to fulfill, or else don’t feel bad. 
  • Gaslighting: Intentionally making you distrust your perceptions of reality or believe that you’re mentally incompetent. Noticing things that would have sent a red flag up for anyone else. Furthermore, communicating these things to you only for you to try and disarm my common sense. Noticing dating profiles you said you deleted, only for you to straight-face lie to me. Noticing pictures being sent, you telling me to trust you that you’re just “making friends,” that I’m paranoid an untrusting when I really caught onto a lie. I’ve also done some share of gaslighting. I’m sorry. 
  • Competition: Competing and one-upping to always be on top, sometimes through unethical means. E.g. cheating in a game.
  • Negative contrasting: Unnecessarily making comparisons to negatively contrast you with the narcissist or other people. You’ve done this, I have too. I’m sorry. 
  • Sabotage: Disruptive interference with your endeavors or relationships for the purpose of revenge or personal advantage. Disclosing your skewed perceptions of me to people I considered “friends,” to general people. 
  • Exploitation and objectification: Using or taking advantage of you for personal ends without regard for your feelings or needs. Emotionally. 
  • Lying: Persistent deception to avoid responsibility or to achieve the narcissist’s own ends. Oh, the lies (see above, and so many more). I’ve also lied about a few things as of late and I’m sosososo sorry. It wasn’t deserved at all. 
  • Withholding: Withholding such things as money, sex, communication or affection from you. Mmm…still pondering this one before writing it off. 
  • Neglect: Ignoring the needs of a child for whom the abuser is responsible. Includes child endangerment; i.e., placing or leaving a child in a dangerous situation.
  • Privacy invasion: Ignoring your boundaries by looking through your things, phone, mail; denying your physical privacy or stalking or following you; ignoring privacy you’ve requested. Me, all the way. And then in the last two months you. This was one of my biggest struggles; although, I was on a quest for a truth you wouldn’t give me. Still, I should’ve walked away if that were the case instead of resorting to this. I’m doing the work on this as I had towards the end. My many apologies. 
  • Character assassination or slander: Spreading malicious gossip or lies about you to other people. More like slanted experiences. 
  • Violence: Violence includes blocking your movement, pulling hair, throwing things, or destroying your property. I don’t need to call this out, though it wasn’t common, it happened. 
  • Financial abuse: Financial abuse might include controlling you through economic domination or draining your finances through extortion, theft, manipulation, or gambling, or by accruing debt in your name or selling your personal property. Mmm, though you may fail to recognize your contributions, we are both guilty. 
  • Isolation: Isolating you from friends, family, or access to outside services and support through control, manipulation, verbal abuse, character assassination, or other means of abuse. Both. I to you, for sure as a lack of trust and sometimes seeing some people didn’t help your situation. You to me, through accusing on occasions.

Narcissism and the severity of abuse exist on a continuum. It may range from ignoring your feelings to violent aggression. Typically, narcissists don’t take responsibility for their behavior and shift the blame to you or others; however, some do self-reflect and are capable of feeling guilt.

Loving someone with BP

https://www.nami.org/Blogs/NAMI-Blog/February-2017/Loving-Someone-with-Bipolar-Disorder

While no marriage is easy—as evidenced by the 50% failure rate in United States—challenges stack up when a mental health condition is added to the mix. The prospect of dealing with a lifelong, life-threatening condition can be overwhelming.

Not surprisingly, communication is essential to supporting your partner and your union.

Caring for your own wellness is key. While it can be difficult to master, self-care is essential if you love someone with a brain disorder. Research shows that as a caregiver, you are at increased risk of becoming depressed and having other health problems if you neglect yourself. This means you must make time to restore your energy, reduce stress and deal with feelings like guilt and anger.

“You still need to take care of yourself. Find a good therapist or support group that will take care of your needs. That is the first step at helping your partner.”

Breakups w/ BP

Still processing. When will it end. -_-

Bipolar and breakups

 

During his recovery from the breakup, he jumped into another relationship “just to prove to myself I was worth something. It was just kind of a reaffirmation thing. It was a mistake.”

Getting into a relationship when you’re fleeing feelings of loneliness, hurt or abandonment is no solid foundation for attracting a good partner, says Anita H. Clayton, MD, interim chair of the department of psychiatry and neurobehavioral sciences at the University of Virginia School of Medicine.

“The idea of moderation may not be terribly appealing, but you really need to try to keep things steady,” she says. “Keep your sleep stable, stay away from high-risk activities, and do something that for you is positive and makes you feel better.”

Joan of Florida warns against turning to social media for affirmation after a split. That’s what she did, posting rants about an ex that brought comments from friends who were trying to be supportive: “You don’t need him.” “You’ve got to move on.” “Just get off this horse and hop on another one.”

Instead of soothing her hurt, however, those remarks “just fueled the anger,” she recalls, “and that fueled a manic stage.” With her impulse control at zero, she ended up cycling through a series of sexual affairs. She regrets the way her mania torched any hope of reconciliation.

“Even if my marriage had been salvageable, I had moved on,” she says. “I didn’t even give it a chance.”