My mom is dying

I guess she wasn’t lying.

It’s just slower as opposed to sudden.

I’m not sure which is worse.

Probably neither, just a different type of pain.

A prolonged pain that builds up until the moment of death.

Anxiously waiting, watching, witnessing.

I’ve always put distance between me and you to make swallowing your dysfunctions easier.

Dysfunctions embedded in you by sick individuals.

Now I can’t put distance.

Not when you’re weight loss is in my face

Not when you’re purple hands are in my face

Not when what you have is spreading to your brain.

Don’t go mom.

I love you.

I never got a chance to fully love you.

The irony

I vented my dilemma on Reddit. My bleeding heart, which I’m too busy to detail yet. Anonymous users wrote to me:

“You can’t light yourself on fire to keep others warm”

“You can’t get someone else out of a hole by digging yourself in there with them”

That shit hit me.

What good does it do if I unlearn all my learnings to help others learn the way? That’s if they even want to.

It’s my codependency. In work. In my personal life. In between. Codependency.

Your codependency is seeping back in Amber. Be careful.

Decision Trees

Sitting here. Same dilemmas different year. Still fighting views of being evil and immature instead of the genuine caring person that I am. Funny how characteristics get distorted depending on who’s looking through the looking glass. Maybe it’s the onlooker who has morphed reality into something more than what meets the eye as opposed to the view.

Sometimes what’s the easiest thing to do is not the best. And sometimes the best thing to do isn’t the easiest. Life has a way of teaching us hard lessons. Life doesn’t “tit for tat,” it is genuine in its lessons –and I’ve learned long ago that it gets us nowhere fast. Sometimes the best thing for us to do isn’t the easiest. That’s what makes it the best. Until the lessons learned. It’s the best because once the hard work is done, the lesson is learned, respect is earned and the pain won’t let us repeat it. Life loves us enough to let us try again when we get defeated.

Sitting here. Same dilemmas different year. Still the board shit threatening me. And I have no idea what I’ve done now. I’ve literally done everything to a T. My best is not enough. Ever since I’ve gotten a new probation officer she’s been ripping me a new one, building some case for extending my probation into a never-ending hole that just so happens to pay her bills. Someone told me they got violated for DayQuil, Day-Quil. Non-alcoholic DayQuil. Someone else told me they got suspended for a year for melatonin. Sigh. Last person told me that they got written up for not having their transcripts in on time when the school hadn’t even issued them yet. I WONDER what I did (but didn’t really do) now.

Life is full of accusations: that I’m a horrible person that does things out of dysfunction and not love, that I’m some type of out-of-control addict that cant manage her life and is irresponsible. No matter how hard I try I’m not good enough. And still. I know my intentions are not evil. That I commit to staying right even when I’m told I’m wrong.

God help me.

The little engine that could

Remember you will survive

We are never given things we can’t handle

When the world crumbles

You have to build a new one out of all the pieces are still here

There are still pieces here

You are still here

The human heart beats

Approximately 4,000 times an hour

Each pulse

Throb

Each palpitation is a trophy

Engraved with the words

You’re still alive

You are still alive

So act like it

Healthy

I’m set to go to CoDa. A codependency anonymous meeting as I learn more about myself

My codependency in relationships and substances

I am fighting my normalized, unhealthy habits

It is hard right now

Because codependency is for me to want to take other’s pain away

To fix it for them

Typically that’s why we excel in helping professions like social work

The healthier the boundary –the more foreign and uncomfortable it feels for me

But that is where my growth lies

Melody Beattie’s book is teaching me all about it

The healthier boundary would be to empower someone to resolve their struggles on their own

Teach a person how to fish instead of feed them

And even then, I’m pondering if I’m still helping that person –just in a once removed way

Shits crazy

Codependency is running back to relieve our pain

Healthy is learning to be alone and whole by oneself

So that when they enter something it’s not two half people trying to fill a void

But two whole, stand-alone people who don’t unite because they need someone but because the person makes a good addition

Whether it’s family, friend or lover

Two wholes are greater than two halves. It’s not crazy math.

But why does it still render us powerless?

Codependency is in the moment, impulsive urges. We think it fixes the pain now but little do we know it puts the pain on layaway and stunts the growth down the line.

I care enough not to let me or anyone else experience that kind of delayed suffering

It’s addiction

Codependency is putting someone else’s needs before my own.

It’s me disregarding the healthy to do what’s irrational and easy.

Dysfunction and codependency have been my lifelong friend.

I was impregnated with it when I was old enough to learn that my mom was in pain.

And I gave birth to it when I was old enough to try and do something to steal her pain away and make it mine. To take it on, on my own.

I was so young.

Codependency is my addiction.

It is normalized for me.