Perspective 

Last night I dreamed that my engine was out of oil, only to find that when I went to fill the engine, it overflowed with oil.

I guess in life this resonates because we may think something’s not there just because we lose sight of it; and when we go to fix it, ironically, we break it because that resource was already in abundance.

Is the glass that is unseen half empty or half full, or does it not exist simply because we can’t rely on faith that it’s there.

It’s all about perspective.

Searching [facebook] for something “more”

fullsizerender

I’m not what you’re looking for

Instead, you stay up, stay out –away from me

Sitting up in your car Facebook searching

Have you found it?

I think you did

Tears streaming

Because in me you find something dead

That’s why you’re always pushing us towards doom isn’t it

Are you meticulously planning this?

Tucking me into bed

So you can be alone making love with the thoughts in your head

Never thought I’d be

Some housewife for someone who seems to not be in love with me

It hurts a little realer, makes my heart a little number

Because this time I cannot blame some shady action I’ve done

This time I will not get back at you to feel I’ve won

This time it’s a loss

A loss you are unwilling to fight for

I feel stupid

For feeling wrong each time you get mad at me for calling out your shortcomings

“Why did you do that,” taking responsibility for your unaccountability

Each time I own my feelings, you make me inhuman by saying that I’m just victimizing

You don’t care how I feel

 

I guess it comes with the price of being a knock-off

me

You don’t love me

You don’t love me anymore than the lies you feel you have to tell

Well,

Maybe you do love them

Because every time I find myself trying to be the bigger man

If it shines you in a bad light, then telling the truth is something you can’t stand

We saw your “ex” last night

Ironic the contrast of relationships

Between one getting engaged and the other growing further apart

My heart bleeds

Even when I’ve mended myself, stitching my heart together with the spines of each past dysfunction –some of which you were there to see

And from that stitching comes a better me

All with the hopes that we will live happily

But you are bursting at the seams

Staving off each truth for as long as you have to

I don’t cry, but do you realize how much it hurts inside

To try

And see you struggle for your alibi

Until you realize, I already knew

I will never be Muslim enough for you

I will never be the race you want me to be

To make up for whatever void you are seeking to fill

When you have in mind a certain girl

I will never be born the way she is born

I was only born me

It’s funny

Cause you’re the only relationship that’s fostered that type of insecurity

non existence

Blur
Smudge
Smear
Dissipate
Waste
Fade
Like dust swept away by the wind
I scatter
Gone
Not here
Ceasing to exist
Except in small pieces
No longer recognizable to the human eye
Mentally
Blurring my mind
So it’s no longer tangible
No longer here
It’s been a while since I’ve been here..

Washing

Stuck in a spin cycle
My life whirs past me
Objects blurring together
Like what innocent children see when they play ring around the Rosie too fast
And I fell down
Fell down after you wrapped the bend of your arm
Snugly fit into the front of my throat
Like children falling down
You felt you had the power to whisk the air away from my chest
Like children falling down
You drug me to the ground
Gripping tight to my head
I fell down, in surrender
I don’t want to be a contributing factor to a violent relationship anymore
Lines blur, between love and hate
Like what children see when spinning in circles they play
Spinning, where was I again?
Oh that’s right, stuck in spin cycle
Except my cycle began as a child
Seeing my mom pick people who purposely put hands on her
I learned,
Subconsciously perpetuating the cycle
In each person I picked, I was hit.
I was hit, and after I while I learned to hit.
And then after that while, I was done with it
Leaving me here
On the ground
I did not fight back because I did not want to be an abuser again
I am
Done with it