I refuse, but I still love you…

I want to get lost

In this blank empty space

Until I’m crowded with words

And blend in until no one knows me

She’s showed me something no one’s showed me

And now you’ve figured out

You don’t like the other side of being lonely

What are you doing?

You still think you can walk back in my life when you’re ready

After THREE AND A HALF YEARS OF BEING TOGETHER

AND COUNTLESS “let’s take it steady’s?!”

Your tears fall heavy

Heavy like how my heart felt after you cheated on me

All of the deceit

And after convincing me you’d rather be with her

You come running back to me?!

Girl please

I used to be blind but I see the pattern

And after all of that,

Buried deep inside

I still love you

I refuse to take 10 steps back to where you reside

But I still love you

She’s different

She will not be placed on the list of people

Who were amazing

But I ended it abruptly just to give chances to my hopes that you could treat me right

I refuse!

Yet I still love you

What am I going to do

Let it play out please

It’ll all work out; love is true

Your tears reflected in mine

I try so hard, too hard not to feel anything at all

And you walk in

The darkest storm on the sunniest of days

Lord, help me please

Cause I still. Love. Her.

Systematic Fatigue

The other day I made a post

That compassion fatigue has gotten the best of me

Then someone corrected me

And said what’s really testing me

Is more systemically

Pragmatically

I agreed

I’m so god-damn tired of these systems

Malfunctioning

Taking the dysfunction that these children were born in

And exacerbating the situation even further

Further down the rabbit hole they go

Falling through the cracks:

Cracks of Schools

Group homes

Foster homes

Public Health

Private health

Mental health

Until they land —smack—rock bottom

Sleeping on concrete streets

System fatigue has gotten the best of me

But won’t get the rest of me

Because I’m preserving that

To do whatever I can

In my scope

To advocate and fill in the cracks

My ex called me a purple squirrel

In the work world

That’s someone highly valued yet rare and hard to find

I have the passion, will and power, in addition I have the mind

People like me, willing to endure hard work to fulfill all the title’s meant to be

Shouldn’t be

Praised

This shouldn’t be going out of the way

It should be the standard

If everyone did their part

There’d be less socio-political cancer

Excuse me for my candor

These are just the memoirs of someone who fell through cracks

Trying to pick the pieces up and give it all back

It takes a village to raise a child

And we’ve all been broken children before

So to see them is to see us

And every one of us needs to remember that

You let me go

So let me go

Sorry for being raised by the same family as you

Grew up and tried to mend my inherited wounds

But you couldn’t love me through

Not like I did you…

Broken

There are some things that can’t be mended

Not even if you’re a vet

A pain

All of these posts

They sting

But they are the undercurrent of a pained love

The sweetness, yet harshness of honeybees

My hobby

I find solace in broken things

I can’t fix you