The Beggar

I once was rich

Rich off of you

Consuming all of you

Having all of you

My full course meal

Now, I get only part of you

And at first, I was mad

But now I find myself even begging for anything that could possible be left for me

Now I find myself even content with the scraps

Hell, I just want to eat

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We die off too.

Be careful…

you’re only putting a band-aid on a cut that will still be there when you peel it off.

Only then, from neglect, it will be festering in rot.

Clothes

You roam

And no matter where you land, you bring clothes

Loads

You set them down

And to hang them up you loathe

Yet you complain that they’re there

The very mess you create

Is at what you hate to stare

But beware

Because no matter how many times you try to hide them, stuff them in closets, act like you don’t care

I am still there

Eyes

My eyes are heavy like the sands of time are weighing down on them, until they close

Life calling me to its eternal slumber

My eyes feel ashen

Probably dehydrated from all the tears they’ve shed

From waking up each morning and meditating on my life filled with dread

My eyelids are puffy, like safety bags for all of life’s wreckage

Like they’ve got something to makeup for

Kind of like the system to which I’m indebted

Disposable People

We are not disposable people

Thrown away because there’s a mark

What you see in condemnation is culture

Trying to move on but my past keeps lurking like a vulture

Blame me for being stuck in the past, blame me for moving on

Then they’ll attribute it to the reason that I’m gone

I’ve done the dirty work and I’ve paid my time

But still society won’t clear me of this God-damned crime

Why let me get a scholarship, why let me go to school

If I could never be a therapist anyways, as it’s written in your rules

None of us are perfect

You killed all my dreams

Now an empty shell of a body is all that’s left of me

My refuge

When you want to know my true thoughts you tell me to envision a pitch black room

Well I’m not in Kansas anymore Toto

I am here

Sitting in a bathroom

This pattern

This bathroom

Here I found refuge after a rape

Here

Is my darkest escape

Here

I imagine

Hanging myself from the shower rod

Here

I turn imaginations into experimentations

But I can’t sneak another belt into the bathroom without you getting suspicious

Like you care

So here

I am

Caressing curtains

Mimicking a noose

Until my muscles grow tired then I let it loose

This shower curtain has hugged me tighter

Than my mother ever has

And you chalk my emotions up to “for myself I’m feeling sad,”

If you only knew

This bathroom conjures

A refuge

From rape

After rape

After fucking rape

And you wonder why I get so sad in the space that I escape

But I’m a burden

Every fucking stab in my back I deserve it

Every pain that’s ingrained was always worth it

Every painful purpose I was born to serve it

J