Nightmares

Woke up to a bad night terror after reading your text at 3 a.m.

We were riding in a car then sitting in a bed watching TV and I kept asking, “Are you going to move on,” to which you constantly replied, “Looks that way.” I kept ruminating on it. Every time you answered, “Looks that way,” I broke down and cried. I must’ve cried and asked that question for the entire hour of which I fell back asleep in.

Your response always the same. Me always hoping for something different. Your reply always leaning towards yes, you’re moving on but always left a sliver of no –which I held onto as hope.

I awakened with my heart racing, thoughts spinning, and a migraine. I had to talk myself down because I wanted to scream.

Look what’s been done.

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My concert

I was depressed. Holed up in my room to prove that I do not need to seek attention to move past my pain. To be loyal without their commitment. To not indulge in the toxic environment.

I finally decided to go out. To treat myself to a concert I planned on going to for months. I was hurt by the response of a loved one who even guilted me for this. The one time I actually did something since all of this. Turns out there was a motivating factor in this lashing out.

Anyhow, although it killed my excitement, I went anyways. Alone. Another lonely soul stood near me, and something told me she was alone. I asked as she confirmed. She relayed to me she bought tickets for two for a person she’d been seeing for half a year. She communicated with him, he expressed his excitedness to go. She hopped on a train and came four hours to San Diego, for him to flake on her leaving her stranded at the train station.

I’m not sure how I knew, or why she fully opened up to me about her heartbreak and depression but she did. I needed someone raw and real and relatable that night.

My holotropic journey

I know I keep talking about my holotropic breathwork experience, but I am still in awe of what I witnessed yesterday.

I imagine it’s somewhat like an ayahuasca trip.

Relatively quickly after drinking, you will notice your heart rate go up and your temperature begin to oscillate. You may be sweating in one instant and shivering in the next. Your extremities might tingle at times, especially your palms.

It is said

Many people come to Holotropic Breathwork as a last resort, or when they are in a psycho-spiritual crisis.

And while I wasn’t sure what I was getting into, attending a generalized breathwork class, I was for sure going through a psycho-spiritual crisis and in need of this intervention. It was meant.

People come to HB to:

While I didn’t know anything about it before, I did notice when I was done I looked at the sky and told myself I’m no longer afraid to die (without giving thought to it either). My depression has been lifted, my crying spells over my love betrayal ceased and I felt…healed.

    

It treats past traumas. My ears rang, body shook, I blacked out and regained consciousness as I watched my arm involuntarily press against my cheek. It felt like magic. It was magic.

Call and Response

Your dog misses you.

For what it’s worth, you don’t take in what I’m reflecting and consider it neutrally. How can there be growth without taking a moment to consider what you don’t see?

Fuck you for advertising my mental illness as a badge of honor you’ve earned.

  • I would not wish that illness on you; I am not proud. I am simply trying to process all of the things that have gone on. 

Fuck you for never ever taking accountability and responsibility in the failure of our 5 year relationship.

  • I recall sending a text apologizing for my things. You do not see the work I’ve done. You will not see the work, responsibility and accountability I have taken on. 

Fuck you for taking my weaknesses for granted, and then victimizing yourself when I stand my ground.

  • Weakness? Stand your ground. Never did I play victim. I had a mental breakdown looming and I’m sorry it was a barrier in addressing your needs. I didn’t do it on purpose. Though you will always see it (and me) that way. 

Fuck you for never even TRYING to be an equal partner to me, for all of the lies and deceit, and for many many many friends and strangers Ive lost because of your jealousy and manipulation.

  • I was more than an equal partner to you at times when you were habitually deceiving and cheating on me –you acknowledged this. There were times you did your part too, though (in a good way). If you “lost” friends, how much of a friend were they? Jealousy, that my ‘girl’ flirted with people who claimed to be friends? OF COURSE. Boundaries regarding engaging with this ill-wishing people? OF COURSE! Showing you toxic friends that encouraged unhealthy habits in you. You want to be blind to that: pick up where you left off. 

Fuck you for bending the truth and pretending in front of your friends and family while I look like the asshole.

  • Bending? To family and “friends” where?! MY FAMILY STILL DOESN’T know any of what’s happened past Spectrum. I HIDE that SHIT from my one friend BECAUSE I KNOW PEOPLE PERSONALIZE IT and I don’t want anyone talking down about someone I loved so much.

Fuck you for blaming me for all of the financial struggles I WENT THROUGH ALONE. I just had you there, staring and judging like you weren’t enjoying the food, roof, and fucking easiness you had while I “scammed” apartments and did what I could for money to provide for someone who did JACK SHIT FOR ME.

  • I wasn’t equal financially in majority circumstances. I’m sorry. In honesty, you know and I know you held a moving pattern where you got over on places. If you didn’t pay rent, why do you think I need to pay half for a place you weren’t even paying on. And when I found a place I loved so much, I offered $700 a month. When we moved, I payed what I could for movers. I paid for the $1,000 you’ll be receiving for you-know-what. 

Fuck you for hurting me for years, and then blaming me for the hurt you feel after I end it. I am glad WE will never speak again.

  • I am so, so, SO, so sorry I heart your heart. That is the last thing I can bear to read –let alone for years. If we were in a place for respectful, tactful communication I would hear all your wounds and do what I could to make amends. I say you hurt me because you did. One’s hurt doesn’t mean another can’t hurt simultaneously. Even now –in your last sentence you are hurting me, intentionally, and I know it is out of your own hurt. This is what you do. You LIED to me in my most vulnerable, depressed mental state and had a girl in the bed. This is what you do. When we are not well, you do regrettable things with girls and lie to cover it. If you’re going to choose to do these things, I hope they would be things that made you proud.  

Transcendence

Last night, a tree and a flower crossed paths. Both examples of life. The relation not coincidental. Resin from a tree and a flower blooming from a plant. It was meant.

I was approached: “You needed to be here,” I did. Embraced, breathing together I felt a transfer of energy.

Vibrating, shivering, shaking, tingling, involuntary movements, ringing in my ears, crying, screaming, blacking out of holotropic transpersonal experiences.

Awakened, dusting dead bark and protruding forth. I came through.

Borderline

A. Significant impairments in personality functioning manifest by: (met)

1. Impairments in self functioning (a or b):

a. Identity: Markedly impoverished, poorly developed, or unstable self-image, often associated with excessive self-criticism; chronic feelings of emptiness; dissociative states under stress. Applies

b. Self-direction: Instability in goals, aspirations, values, or career plans.

AND

2. Impairments in interpersonal functioning (a or b):

a. Empathy: Compromised ability to recognize the feelings and needs of others associated with interpersonal hypersensitivity (i.e., prone to feel slighted or insulted); perceptions of others selectively biased toward negative attributes or vulnerabilities. Applies

b. Intimacy: Intense, unstable, and conflicted close relationships, marked by mistrust, neediness, and anxious preoccupation with real or imagined abandonment; close relationships often viewed in extremes of idealization and devaluation and alternating between over involvement and withdrawal. Applies

B. Pathological personality traits in the following domains: Somewhat met

1. Negative Affectivity, characterized by:

a. Emotional lability: Unstable emotional experiences and frequent mood changes; emotions that are easily aroused, intense, and/or out of proportion to events and circumstances. Some applies

b. Anxiousness: Intense feelings of nervousness, tenseness, or panic, often in reaction to interpersonal stresses; worry about the negative effects of past unpleasant experiences and future negative possibilities; feeling fearful, apprehensive, or threatened by uncertainty; fears of falling apart or losing control. Applies

c. Separation insecurity: Fears of rejection by – and/or separation from – significant others, associated with fears of excessive dependency and complete loss of autonomy. Damn, applies

d. Depressivity: Frequent feelings of being down, miserable, and/or hopeless; difficulty recovering from such moods; pessimism about the future; pervasive shame; feeling of inferior self-worth; thoughts of suicide and suicidal behavior. Applies, situationally (aka atypical depression)

2. Disinhibition, characterized by:

a. Impulsivity: Acting on the spur of the moment in response to immediate stimuli; acting on a momentary basis without a plan or consideration of outcomes; difficulty establishing or following plans; a sense of urgency and self-harming behavior under emotional distress. Some applies

b. Risk taking: Engagement in dangerous, risky, and potentially self-damaging activities, unnecessarily and without regard to consequences; lack of concern for one’s limitations and denial of the reality of personal danger. Maybe in the past. 

 3. Antagonism, characterized by: Not met

a. Hostility: Persistent or frequent angry feelings; anger or irritability in response to minor slights and insults.

C. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are relatively stable across time and consistent across situations. Not met

D. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not better understood as normative for the individual’s developmental stage or socio-cultural environmentNot met, somewhat. 

E. The impairments in personality functioning and the individual’s personality trait expression are not solely due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (e.g., a drug of abuse, medication) or a general medical condition (e.g., severe head trauma).

Given it would take a professional to diagnose; while certain traits exist, not all criteria is met to diagnose BPD. Traits for sure can be resolved/situational (in mainly romantically toxic contexts). Definitely have been devoted to being worked on. 

Another diagnosis to consider is CPTSD (Complex PTSD). It can be a result of the following traumas:

  • experiencing childhood neglect
  • experiencing other types of abuse early in life
  • experiencing domestic abuse
  • experiencing human trafficking
  • being a prisoner of war
  • living in a region affected by war

Complex PTSD is a relatively recent concept. Because of its variable nature, healthcare professionals may instead diagnose another condition. They may be especially likely to diagnose borderline personality disorder (BPD).

Some researchers have identified areas of substantial overlap between complex PTSD and BPD.

Symptoms can include:

  • A negative self-view. Complex PTSD can cause a person to view themselves negatively and feel helpless, guilty, or ashamed. They often consider themselves to be different from other people.
  • Changes in beliefs and worldview. People with either condition may hold a negative view of the world and the people in it or lose faith in previously held beliefs.
  • Emotional regulation difficulties. These conditions can cause people to lose control over their emotions. They may experience intense anger or sadness or have thoughts of suicide.
  • Relationship issues. Relationships may suffer due to difficulties trusting and interacting, and because of a negative self-view. A person with either condition may develop unhealthy relationships because they are what the person has known in the past. Interestingly enough, I always got into relationships with people who acted untrustworthy, thus fueling my mistrust. 
  • Detachment from the trauma. A person may dissociate, which means feeling detached from emotions or physical sensations. Some people completely forget the trauma.
  • Preoccupation with an abuser. It is not uncommon to fixate on the abuser, the relationship with the abuser, or getting revenge for the abuse.

Not saying this is for sure a thing, but I thought I’d look into the symptoms I observed as active and similar conditions.

Transformation

I had the most  transformative experience today and I am so grateful for it -words cannot even express.

Drudged in deep depression, yet with the awareness to know it’s not good to sit in it while my energy was basically non-existent and wanted to tie me to the bed.

I mustered up courage to go AA, only to have people see me on the verge of tears and chickened out. A knockdown.

Hours later, I chose to end my evening giving one last shot. A sacred practice. I spent two-and-a-half hours in a deep, hypnotic trance. Crossed souls with someone who saw me, felt me and facilitated breathing a little life back into me.

Ironically, there’s a Leo eclipse tonight that’s also in Aquarius. This allows us to get to know our true selves as boldly as a Leo would , while displaying that for all to see like an Aquarius. This eclipse is for letting go and transforming.

In my practice, I felt numb tingling all over, involuntary movement and a blackout. I came back somewhat reincarnated and alive.

Tonight I hope you do something to open the gates of transformation too. You deserve it.

I wish you all the best of journeys to knowing yourself more deeply and truly. 💕

As for me, it seems like a fast turnaround but I am ready to forgive, let go and focus on growing all the amazing parts of me that I know I have grown into –despite my closest love seeing me as a lost case.

See I knew where my intentions and heart and good efforts were all along. I just lost sight of that in the muddied mire of loving so much that I adopted views that weren’t accurately representative of who I am.

 

Huge heart and passionately loyal, I am going to let everybody see the huge light I possess so no one is mistaken.