Depression Set 2

I’ve been attending to people way too much lately

Pouring myself out until I become empty

Taking all of me

So that there’s nothing left for me

And nothing left for you

So you left too

I am alone.

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Don’t leave 

Don’t leaveI feel you slipping away from me

You close your eyes and I can’t see

If you’re still here with me

Don’t leave

You were the only clarity in this complicated world

Only sanity I found in you girl

Only sane away from the mundane 

Don’t leave

I need you

Don’t leave

Please

I need you

I was you.

9/28 

TodayI saved a life

And normally when I would be writing about mine 

It wasn’t

And to think I almost thought nothing of it

And to think you almost died acting on suicide you’ve done it

I would never forgive myself because of it 

Your words slipping slurring

Text messages triply words are blurring 

Suicidal ideation re occurring 

Trying to be gone in such a hurry

I just want to take away all your worries 

No regrets because you’re for me

No societal expectations 

No conforming

I’d be mourning if you weren’t here in the morning 

5:30 a.m. Fall Morning

Twilight

Purple skies

I look up and there’s twinkling in your eyes

I take you for granted -I realize

To be up before sunrise

Enveloped in your air

The cool, slight wind nibbles at my skin when we meet there

A stillness everywhere

Reminds me to take it all in without a care…

I care

I know someone who believes

That if they were to leave

Thank no one would care five days later

Like her life is filled, full of haters

Who -for their own good -act like they care

Can you compare?

I know that there are times when I’ve been there

But four years with you is what I cherish

So I wouldn’t be embarrassed

To say that if I live to see you gone -I couldn’t bare it

Since you didn’t know

I thought I’d share it. 🙂

About Suicide

 

Having you leave me is like having half of my heart die off

Like trying to enjoy the view with the lights off

It’s not something I can bear to think of right off

Trying to navigate, “what’s the right thing to say? What is appropriate to do?”

Like playing minesweeper, avoiding all the bombs so I can make my way into the core of you

Trying to figure how to help you alleviate this, is a job I’m taking on with only half the tools

Trying to act like a clinician when I don’t even yet have my MSW

I could never sit back and watch this, and not think of anything to do

I relayed information to the clinician, but only after permission from you

What is the correct intervention –and when is it okay to cross the line?

How do I tread the distance between you feeling safe with me and me saving your life?

So many times, for myself I’ve texted, the suicide hotline

Tonight I am texting them again, but not for me this time

You are the future I see myself with

So if you were to go, my future would die

Seeing you in so much pain has me crying

I want to take on all your symptoms, so you can have some time

To reclaim all you weren’t given since childhood, to fill that “shell” of yours with something inside.

She and her.

She –had been an habitual long-term relationship-er diving in and out, and in and out and in and out of relationships like a dolphin skidding across the water, like a sewing machine repairing a tear in clothing.

 

She –had been a serial short-term dater, avoiding anything that even smells too close to seriousness.

 

Until she plunged into her like a cartoon jumping off of a tight rope into a cup of water.

 

They –never looked back, and if so, not for too long. They belonged.