The little engine that could

Remember you will survive

We are never given things we can’t handle

When the world crumbles

You have to build a new one out of all the pieces are still here

There are still pieces here

You are still here

The human heart beats

Approximately 4,000 times an hour

Each pulse

Throb

Each palpitation is a trophy

Engraved with the words

You’re still alive

You are still alive

So act like it

Healthy

I’m set to go to CoDa. A codependency anonymous meeting as I learn more about myself

My codependency in relationships and substances

I am fighting my normalized, unhealthy habits

It is hard right now

Because codependency is for me to want to take other’s pain away

To fix it for them

Typically that’s why we excel in helping professions like social work

The healthier the boundary –the more foreign and uncomfortable it feels for me

But that is where my growth lies

Melody Beattie’s book is teaching me all about it

The healthier boundary would be to empower someone to resolve their struggles on their own

Teach a person how to fish instead of feed them

And even then, I’m pondering if I’m still helping that person –just in a once removed way

Shits crazy

Codependency is running back to relieve our pain

Healthy is learning to be alone and whole by oneself

So that when they enter something it’s not two half people trying to fill a void

But two whole, stand-alone people who don’t unite because they need someone but because the person makes a good addition

Whether it’s family, friend or lover

Two wholes are greater than two halves. It’s not crazy math.

But why does it still render us powerless?

Codependency is in the moment, impulsive urges. We think it fixes the pain now but little do we know it puts the pain on layaway and stunts the growth down the line.

I care enough not to let me or anyone else experience that kind of delayed suffering

It’s addiction

Codependency is putting someone else’s needs before my own.

It’s me disregarding the healthy to do what’s irrational and easy.

Dysfunction and codependency have been my lifelong friend.

I was impregnated with it when I was old enough to learn that my mom was in pain.

And I gave birth to it when I was old enough to try and do something to steal her pain away and make it mine. To take it on, on my own.

I was so young.

Codependency is my addiction.

It is normalized for me.

Life in Reverse

The undoing.

Butterflies turn into stomach drops at warning signs.

Hearts turn into hurt.

Words become cursed.

This is life. This is our love. In reverse.

Years become reset.

Walking backwards until the day we met.

I used to lay my head on your chest, now all that’s left is unrest.

The pain of our lost love hurts.

This is life. This is our love. In reverse.

Your voice echos down the hall.

Calling me back but you let me fall.

You either always wanted me or not at all.

And it hurts.

This is life, our love and it’s the worst.

Ghosts

So this is how I spend my days with you now

Waiting

Only to find that you get home when we both have to go to bed because we have work in the morning

Wasted

Because we can’t seem to get along when we do have time together

Disappointed.

Your words feel real this time

I can feel each one pelt my heart

This kind of talking has awakened my irregular heartbeat

The kind of dance it does when it knows it’s almost over

You say that I’m special and that you would like to keep me as a friend if it had to come to that

That sleeping in the other room might help us both decide

That you don’t want me to leave just yet, but you want to separate while keeping me here

Holding me near…from a distance

Of all the oxymorons

If you let go, you let go

Who are you fooling?

I’ve been there love

It prolongs the pain

What kind of sadistic game are you running on me?

Keeping far enough to try and let me go, yet near enough to keep the last flame kindled

I won’t let you do that to me

But I want you to

Because, as always, we’re at the opposite end of the looking glass

Maybe it’s my experience in long relationships. Maybe not.

But I’d like to think that things aren’t as bad as they seem.

That couples have quarrels

Ironic

The more I grow into comfort the more you grow out

What is all this about

And why are you doing this now

Dragging me across the line

We are separate and your phone is locked

But you ask who I talk to like we’re together

You finally said those words that were like suicide to your ears

The words you didn’t want to hear

It hurt, I saw your eyes tear

“Maybe we’re not supposed to be together. Maybe you’re meant to be in my life as a friend.”

Then we can all be happy in the end.

Right.

Let me tell you, those exes that you swear I maintain relationships with

Have all been cut off

I’ve been doing this for too long

I know how it goes

You want to gently back out of this thing

That way it doesn’t hurt as bad

And you fool yourself with this illusion of still keeping me in your life in the future

Not how it works

If we separate it will hurt. Bad.

We won’t talk and when we do it will drive us further

You can’t be friends with an ex you loved so deeply while trying to wade the waters of being single again

There’s too much jealousy, between me you and her

Eventually the next won’t want you talking to me and that’s that.

I know because I’ve seen you do it to girls for me.

It’s called karma

Breaking up and trying to be friends drives a deeper wedge than just breaking up

Just like all the rest, we will play with keeping contact until we realize it hurts

Someone will distract our attention and we’ll get over each other

Then one day one will reach out, in an attempt to not fully forget the other

Short words will be exchanged and that will be that

Or short words will be exchanged and that’ll be an argument with the next and that will be that

Our relationship will diminish into the likes of turned strangers passing each other in the streets.

So tell me what you want

Because despite all the fighting, it’s worth having you sleep next to me

I guess I’ll see you next lifetime love.