How dare she
Call off an ENTIRE engagement, run off with someone else and then think she can return when she’s done –and then be upset that I can’t forget what’s been done. That that was her Til death do us part. Did she forget? Trying to tunnel her way back into my life like a tornado trying to uproot the foundation I laid all by myself for myself. So misunderstanding about why I may feel going back would be going back on how I deserve to be treated. I know some things. I found a neutral way to process the process online; I was shown that she dragged my name all over Facebook; how “I knew it wasn’t me with the problem because my current relationship is fine,” that’s not the only post either. Did she forget how much she despises me in the midst of trying to reclaim ownership of what she took interest in only because she wanted to still own that grasp on me to soothe her ego? Did she even give thought to how making waves in my life might impact my growth? How it might be the greatest challenge to me being a healthy person to myself and to someone who treats me right. That it might subject me to problems when things are fine. Only because I cared enough to let her know I don’t hate her. Did she care enough to think about that? No. Just like she didnt when she left. I am happy. No worries about getting cheated on with people I’d think to be my friends. No worries about how my person closest to me keeps people who clearly cross boundaries with her around. No longer embarrassed about the publicizing of my struggles. No longer shattered by the instability, by the yelling and feeling like no matter what I do I can’t be right. Trying to move past the grudge of debt that I’m working 7 days a week to pay off. And yet I still care. She did bad things but was never a bad person. Through all that murky waters of past pains, I still believe she can change, but I won’t be the crash course she can test that out on. I wasn’t perfect but going back to that. I don’t deserve it.