Nightmares

Woke up to a bad night terror after reading your text at 3 a.m.

We were riding in a car then sitting in a bed watching TV and I kept asking, “Are you going to move on,” to which you constantly replied, “Looks that way.” I kept ruminating on it. Every time you answered, “Looks that way,” I broke down and cried. I must’ve cried and asked that question for the entire hour of which I fell back asleep in.

Your response always the same. Me always hoping for something different. Your reply always leaning towards yes, you’re moving on but always left a sliver of no –which I held onto as hope.

I awakened with my heart racing, thoughts spinning, and a migraine. I had to talk myself down because I wanted to scream.

Look what’s been done.

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My concert

I was depressed. Holed up in my room to prove that I do not need to seek attention to move past my pain. To be loyal without their commitment. To not indulge in the toxic environment.

I finally decided to go out. To treat myself to a concert I planned on going to for months. I was hurt by the response of a loved one who even guilted me for this. The one time I actually did something since all of this. Turns out there was a motivating factor in this lashing out.

Anyhow, although it killed my excitement, I went anyways. Alone. Another lonely soul stood near me, and something told me she was alone. I asked as she confirmed. She relayed to me she bought tickets for two for a person she’d been seeing for half a year. She communicated with him, he expressed his excitedness to go. She hopped on a train and came four hours to San Diego, for him to flake on her leaving her stranded at the train station.

I’m not sure how I knew, or why she fully opened up to me about her heartbreak and depression but she did. I needed someone raw and real and relatable that night.

My holotropic journey

I know I keep talking about my holotropic breathwork experience, but I am still in awe of what I witnessed yesterday.

I imagine it’s somewhat like an ayahuasca trip.

Relatively quickly after drinking, you will notice your heart rate go up and your temperature begin to oscillate. You may be sweating in one instant and shivering in the next. Your extremities might tingle at times, especially your palms.

It is said

Many people come to Holotropic Breathwork as a last resort, or when they are in a psycho-spiritual crisis.

And while I wasn’t sure what I was getting into, attending a generalized breathwork class, I was for sure going through a psycho-spiritual crisis and in need of this intervention. It was meant.

People come to HB to:

While I didn’t know anything about it before, I did notice when I was done I looked at the sky and told myself I’m no longer afraid to die (without giving thought to it either). My depression has been lifted, my crying spells over my love betrayal ceased and I felt…healed.

    

It treats past traumas. My ears rang, body shook, I blacked out and regained consciousness as I watched my arm involuntarily press against my cheek. It felt like magic. It was magic.

Disappearing now

…you only see what I say and take offense to it. Use it to fuel your hatred of me. You don’t see it as an expression of all the things that hurt me.

Since even written existence only leads to your further discontent of me, I am once more going to disappear. For good?

That’s how you’d like it right? My existence –of any sort –even at a concert far away from you by myself makes you want to stuff me in an isolated box. How Eminem.

You want to find ways to hate me so you can no longer care.

Call and Response

Your dog misses you.

For what it’s worth, you don’t take in what I’m reflecting and consider it neutrally. How can there be growth without taking a moment to consider what you don’t see?

Fuck you for advertising my mental illness as a badge of honor you’ve earned.

  • I would not wish that illness on you; I am not proud. I am simply trying to process all of the things that have gone on. 

Fuck you for never ever taking accountability and responsibility in the failure of our 5 year relationship.

  • I recall sending a text apologizing for my things. You do not see the work I’ve done. You will not see the work, responsibility and accountability I have taken on. 

Fuck you for taking my weaknesses for granted, and then victimizing yourself when I stand my ground.

  • Weakness? Stand your ground. Never did I play victim. I had a mental breakdown looming and I’m sorry it was a barrier in addressing your needs. I didn’t do it on purpose. Though you will always see it (and me) that way. 

Fuck you for never even TRYING to be an equal partner to me, for all of the lies and deceit, and for many many many friends and strangers Ive lost because of your jealousy and manipulation.

  • I was more than an equal partner to you at times when you were habitually deceiving and cheating on me –you acknowledged this. There were times you did your part too, though (in a good way). If you “lost” friends, how much of a friend were they? Jealousy, that my ‘girl’ flirted with people who claimed to be friends? OF COURSE. Boundaries regarding engaging with this ill-wishing people? OF COURSE! Showing you toxic friends that encouraged unhealthy habits in you. You want to be blind to that: pick up where you left off. 

Fuck you for bending the truth and pretending in front of your friends and family while I look like the asshole.

  • Bending? To family and “friends” where?! MY FAMILY STILL DOESN’T know any of what’s happened past Spectrum. I HIDE that SHIT from my one friend BECAUSE I KNOW PEOPLE PERSONALIZE IT and I don’t want anyone talking down about someone I loved so much.

Fuck you for blaming me for all of the financial struggles I WENT THROUGH ALONE. I just had you there, staring and judging like you weren’t enjoying the food, roof, and fucking easiness you had while I “scammed” apartments and did what I could for money to provide for someone who did JACK SHIT FOR ME.

  • I wasn’t equal financially in majority circumstances. I’m sorry. In honesty, you know and I know you held a moving pattern where you got over on places. If you didn’t pay rent, why do you think I need to pay half for a place you weren’t even paying on. And when I found a place I loved so much, I offered $700 a month. When we moved, I payed what I could for movers. I paid for the $1,000 you’ll be receiving for you-know-what. 

Fuck you for hurting me for years, and then blaming me for the hurt you feel after I end it. I am glad WE will never speak again.

  • I am so, so, SO, so sorry I heart your heart. That is the last thing I can bear to read –let alone for years. If we were in a place for respectful, tactful communication I would hear all your wounds and do what I could to make amends. I say you hurt me because you did. One’s hurt doesn’t mean another can’t hurt simultaneously. Even now –in your last sentence you are hurting me, intentionally, and I know it is out of your own hurt. This is what you do. You LIED to me in my most vulnerable, depressed mental state and had a girl in the bed. This is what you do. When we are not well, you do regrettable things with girls and lie to cover it. If you’re going to choose to do these things, I hope they would be things that made you proud.