My concert

I was depressed. Holed up in my room to prove that I do not need to seek attention to move past my pain. To be loyal without their commitment. To not indulge in the toxic environment.

I finally decided to go out. To treat myself to a concert I planned on going to for months. I was hurt by the response of a loved one who even guilted me for this. The one time I actually did something since all of this. Turns out there was a motivating factor in this lashing out.

Anyhow, although it killed my excitement, I went anyways. Alone. Another lonely soul stood near me, and something told me she was alone. I asked as she confirmed. She relayed to me she bought tickets for two for a person she’d been seeing for half a year. She communicated with him, he expressed his excitedness to go. She hopped on a train and came four hours to San Diego, for him to flake on her leaving her stranded at the train station.

I’m not sure how I knew, or why she fully opened up to me about her heartbreak and depression but she did. I needed someone raw and real and relatable that night.

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My holotropic journey

I know I keep talking about my holotropic breathwork experience, but I am still in awe of what I witnessed yesterday.

I imagine it’s somewhat like an ayahuasca trip.

Relatively quickly after drinking, you will notice your heart rate go up and your temperature begin to oscillate. You may be sweating in one instant and shivering in the next. Your extremities might tingle at times, especially your palms.

It is said

Many people come to Holotropic Breathwork as a last resort, or when they are in a psycho-spiritual crisis.

And while I wasn’t sure what I was getting into, attending a generalized breathwork class, I was for sure going through a psycho-spiritual crisis and in need of this intervention. It was meant.

People come to HB to:

While I didn’t know anything about it before, I did notice when I was done I looked at the sky and told myself I’m no longer afraid to die (without giving thought to it either). My depression has been lifted, my crying spells over my love betrayal ceased and I felt…healed.

    

It treats past traumas. My ears rang, body shook, I blacked out and regained consciousness as I watched my arm involuntarily press against my cheek. It felt like magic. It was magic.

Transcendence

Last night, a tree and a flower crossed paths. Both examples of life. The relation not coincidental. Resin from a tree and a flower blooming from a plant. It was meant.

I was approached: “You needed to be here,” I did. Embraced, breathing together I felt a transfer of energy.

Vibrating, shivering, shaking, tingling, involuntary movements, ringing in my ears, crying, screaming, blacking out of holotropic transpersonal experiences.

Awakened, dusting dead bark and protruding forth. I came through.

Transformation

I had the most  transformative experience today and I am so grateful for it -words cannot even express.

Drudged in deep depression, yet with the awareness to know it’s not good to sit in it while my energy was basically non-existent and wanted to tie me to the bed.

I mustered up courage to go AA, only to have people see me on the verge of tears and chickened out. A knockdown.

Hours later, I chose to end my evening giving one last shot. A sacred practice. I spent two-and-a-half hours in a deep, hypnotic trance. Crossed souls with someone who saw me, felt me and facilitated breathing a little life back into me.

Ironically, there’s a Leo eclipse tonight that’s also in Aquarius. This allows us to get to know our true selves as boldly as a Leo would , while displaying that for all to see like an Aquarius. This eclipse is for letting go and transforming.

In my practice, I felt numb tingling all over, involuntary movement and a blackout. I came back somewhat reincarnated and alive.

Tonight I hope you do something to open the gates of transformation too. You deserve it.

I wish you all the best of journeys to knowing yourself more deeply and truly. 💕

As for me, it seems like a fast turnaround but I am ready to forgive, let go and focus on growing all the amazing parts of me that I know I have grown into –despite my closest love seeing me as a lost case.

See I knew where my intentions and heart and good efforts were all along. I just lost sight of that in the muddied mire of loving so much that I adopted views that weren’t accurately representative of who I am.

 

Huge heart and passionately loyal, I am going to let everybody see the huge light I possess so no one is mistaken.