Trying to contemplate, what yesterday was all about
I sat in my car for a half an hour because my gut kept whispering, “Don’t go out.”
But that’s not where it started, where it started was somewhere between a locked door and awkward vibes.
I get that you’re tired of my questioning; however, I didn’t think it would blow up like this.
You know, it’s never like I volunteered to feel this way. But what I did volunteer, in hopes, were my thoughts to you. Hopes, that never came true.
Like I said, I was working through it in my head and it only exacerbated things more to bring them to you.
I just find it hard to believe that was the basis for you being so pissed with me. I tried all of Debra’s communication techniques, and called your fouls -you say lets try, 100% all in, but you didn’t care.
Anyhow, fast forward to my night out. I was never up to anything, if I was why would I invite you out?
You ask me to give you the benefit of the doubt, and last night I asked the same. I shook her hand to send a message, and she took it a whole different way. I guess me frozen, from shock of her audacity, and moving to introduce her to you wasn’t enough.
Yeah, you got me there, I’d be mad too. But, see, you’re taking this and I have no clue what you’re going to do.
See, me? I love you, so I’d be mad but be there by you, true and true.
So surprised, you check everyone else, but this time you decided not to.
I also never flirted with the girl in line, she asked me a question and like you said, “I didn’t know I had to be an asshole.”
I’m screaming it at you from the top of my lungs, “I have not done anything to be disloyal to you.” I may have my moments with trust, but I would never do that to you -ever.
It hurts, I toss and turn in the night, feeling pulled to get you to look in my eyes and see that person who I was -bowing out when times get rough -that person’s no longer me.
I had visions with you, I got hung up on getting a house, having a child. Hoping you’d envision it too. But you dropped the anchor, weighing me down, you couldn’t see that with me.
I agree, what happened last night, was fucked up and for that I’m sorry.
I just wish you would see, I was with Leilani that night, hadn’t done anything near the direction of flirting or being shady.
I guess I’m just reiterating, something you would never believe.
I love you. I’m sorry. And I know for you these feelings will never be enough.
Not going to make it about me, I love you and I wish you good luck.