Waves of Betrayal, Day 3: Equal, yet, opposite forces

Today,

I miss you I love you I want you
More than anything in the world
Why can’t I have you
You sleep next to me
Never have I been more close yet so far away
So much so that I reached out to you while dreaming just as I was about to wake
I could feel you in reality
As I grabbed your grey shirt
But metaphorically I can’t touch you in the ways
That will make it feel like home if I will stay
Why
Yes, that is the word and the question of the hour
The one you answered but I still can’t seem to understand
I plant my feet solid in our love, only to find I’m in quick sand
Why can’t you let me in
I was the girl in distress banging on your door
To save me from the rest
And you became like them more
I thought for sure an open love and an honest heart
Though imperfect, would be appreciated
My imperfections taken as an excuse, to do what you do
And now our loves depreciated
Thought my wildest dreams met with honestly
Would for sure be invincible against infidelity
Why is it I’m not deaf, but I could never hear
What so many people were telling me
And still…
I love you

Waves of betrayal: Day 3

Today

I hate you

You selfish

Conniving

Social sexual psychopath

I think that I said that in a poem about you long ago

It’s funny how these things come full circle

And YOU

Have the NERVE

To not allow me the time I need to process this

You’re too busy worried about a decision

FUCK your decision

Kim

AND. FUCK. YOU.

You took a broken person, mended her and as she was getting better made her worse

Completely threw everything I was coming to learn into reverse

And what’s worse

Is that, if I never found out

You had no inkling of remorse

Just another thread in the loom of my three year curse

 

Waves of betrayal: Day 2

Outbursts

Randomly scattered showers of tears

Throughout the day

Today

The forecast matches my emotions

Shifting back and forth between happiness and extreme sadness

Like a manic depressive case

And just in case, I was too happy for too long

My mind had to remind me

Of how much I was blinded

When I fell

Due to your crippled love

Waves of betrayal: Day 1

I am in complete shock, completely blindsided about the shit you just pulled

Oh you pulled alright

You pulled the wool over my eyes

Just as soon as you pulled her

I have petty thoughts, like of all people you choose her?

She has nothing, nothing on me

Kymmie,

Nothing

You escape, to your escape

Like a drug

And your drug is being the egotistical player that you’ve always been

And somehow I’m numb

Has it not set in, or am I just so used to this

I should have a degree in how to put up with cheating in relationships

Spent nine years in this

And this?

This, when I’ve molded myself for you

When hard times persisted instead of cracking I pushed through?

And instead, here I am worried about how you feel

Giving you the typical

I love you so much I want you to be happy spiel

Except it’s true

I never knew that you

Would stoop down to the level of engaging with someone with so little respect for their self worth that they would knowingly talk to someone taken to feel like something

Making you, just as much nothing

As her

What did I do to deserve

Opened the floodgates for all of your defensive reasons

Shower me with excuses, like the storm that just came, and I believed them

I was just playing chest in the dark

Making moves, but I couldn’t see that one of my own would take me out all along

What did I do wrong?

Love, don’t love me

screen-shot-2017-01-10-at-4-56-37-am

I love you so much that, literally, it hurts

I give you my love and effort

You take that and make things worse

You can’t be honest

You tell lies even when you know I’m on it

I know them

Then you explain with excuses

Tell these deceits like I’m owed them

Don’t you dare ever tell me you did what you did

“Because X,Y,Z”

Only communicating to me, why you think I should be okay with it

It’s not okay, not yesterday, not today and definitely not tomorrow

You drown me in my own sorrows

Give me time like it was borrowed

And you, Indian giver, you took it back

I am so done picking up relationship slack

Being the bigger person when things get bad

I’ve cried so much that I don’t know the difference from when I’m not sad

Thought I had you in the bag

Like you were the other half of my heart

Only to find that it’s just missing because you tore it apart

Life in love, my friends, is simply no walk in the park

Trans is beautiful

top

I have so much energy concentrated in me

I just want to punch through this wall, hoping it was your face

But I replace

Physical with mental

That’s what happens with people in an oppressed place

You have to move with grace

I’ve always seen it happen to others

But living in my liberal bubble

I never thought it would happen to I, or my favorite little guy

To wake up unassuming and have hatred be the first thing that meets my eyes

I wanted to cry

On the last day of this all-too-perfect transformation trip of my brother’s

There just had to be another

Going out of their goddamn way

Invading someone else’s personal space

And for what?

To progress hate

I’m sorry sir, you say that that calling someone else a “thing” is simply disagreeing

You tell me WHEN it’s NOT with hate that one dehumanizes another human being

Regardless of separate paths of thinking

I reflect back on visiting the African American Museum

And how it was this same predatory hate that exacerbated minorities lives

Until they were at wit’s end

And at that end, was where our push for further freedom began

Equality and respect as a human for all

If not for all, then every one of us is threatened

I pain, I hurt for my little brother

That this is the world he faces

If you disagree don’t go out of your way to make it uncomfortable for me

Why can’t you just turn your cheek?

I know there are people on my friend’s list who hold their tongue

Which surprised me, but I am grateful for at least that and hopeful for at least the openness to learn more

You can’t go anywhere else, mentally, if you are shut in by your own shut doors

I am writing a letter to Instagram and will go as far as to stop using it

If they can allow hatred to be posted but are intolerable to trans people posting the most joyous moment of their lives, then there are taking their power and choosing to abuse it