There’s a thin line

There’s a thin line

And we tread it

Daily

You ever look at mass murderers

And say, “how did it get there?”

You see testimonies of people who knew them saying, “he was quiet, didn’t appear to be capable of doing that.”

I’m wondering how we got here again

My insides screaming, “that’s not me”

But last night it was

What was it?

Was it the tequila

How did we get here?

One night, one lie turned our world upside down

Can I attribute it to me not taking my medicine?

How diminishing

That I need that

Furthermore, that I cannot afford that

Society wants you to be a model citizen

But if systematic dysfunction has left your family with generations of depression and anxiety

They do not provide the means for you to do so

I feel helpless

 

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Prefrontal thinking

Hot pressure branding my prefrontal cortex

Diminishing my ability to plan for what’s next

YOU DID THIS!!!

My trust

You reset it

My vulnerability

You neglected it

My reaching out not accepted

YOU DON’T CARE

You lied

Like I wasn’t there

When you said you wanted to turn it around

Looking for an out

We were talking and then you hit me with an excuse

As to why you are distant

My efforts find no use

For you

You say it’s wasted time

I’ve crossed 1,000 lines

Just to be on your side

But how is it, that it diminishes mine

Single

You’re single

Whether with me or not

You act like it

Choosing nights out over me

Hafsa over me

Then treat me like it shouldn’t matter to me

You say you don’t care

You act like you don’t care

So I have no choice but to believe you don’t care

One can only stare at the blank space for so long before having to believe you’re not there

 

Searching [facebook] for something “more”

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I’m not what you’re looking for

Instead, you stay up, stay out –away from me

Sitting up in your car Facebook searching

Have you found it?

I think you did

Tears streaming

Because in me you find something dead

That’s why you’re always pushing us towards doom isn’t it

Are you meticulously planning this?

Tucking me into bed

So you can be alone making love with the thoughts in your head

Never thought I’d be

Some housewife for someone who seems to not be in love with me

It hurts a little realer, makes my heart a little number

Because this time I cannot blame some shady action I’ve done

This time I will not get back at you to feel I’ve won

This time it’s a loss

A loss you are unwilling to fight for

I feel stupid

For feeling wrong each time you get mad at me for calling out your shortcomings

“Why did you do that,” taking responsibility for your unaccountability

Each time I own my feelings, you make me inhuman by saying that I’m just victimizing

You don’t care how I feel

 

I guess it comes with the price of being a knock-off

me

You don’t love me

You don’t love me anymore than the lies you feel you have to tell

Well,

Maybe you do love them

Because every time I find myself trying to be the bigger man

If it shines you in a bad light, then telling the truth is something you can’t stand

We saw your “ex” last night

Ironic the contrast of relationships

Between one getting engaged and the other growing further apart

My heart bleeds

Even when I’ve mended myself, stitching my heart together with the spines of each past dysfunction –some of which you were there to see

And from that stitching comes a better me

All with the hopes that we will live happily

But you are bursting at the seams

Staving off each truth for as long as you have to

I don’t cry, but do you realize how much it hurts inside

To try

And see you struggle for your alibi

Until you realize, I already knew

I will never be Muslim enough for you

I will never be the race you want me to be

To make up for whatever void you are seeking to fill

When you have in mind a certain girl

I will never be born the way she is born

I was only born me

It’s funny

Cause you’re the only relationship that’s fostered that type of insecurity