“Mom”

I wish you never gave birth to me “mom”

Wish I never got the chance to know you

The source for all the unresolved problems in my life right now

You did such a shitty job of raising me

And still to this very day you are the 100-pound ball chained to my ankle

Weighing my momentum down with every excuse you can find

To hold my self-esteem under your thumb

Does it make you feel any better?

Does it free you anymore?

I know Nonny did the same to you

But why

Why was I given this life, with these people, so dysfunctional

I am the force pulling against an elastic band

Knowing I will be pulled back to where I was the further I run

What’s the point?

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You don’t care

Migraines from the pain you bring my heart

Opening myself up for vulnerability –and that’s your missing part

Degrading

Dismissing me as if I were your student and detention had been served

You trample all over my feelings as if they had no other purpose to serve

You know how you can (can’t) tell I’m hurt?

I haven’t written in a minute

And this is what I went to first

Trying to get out of my head

I escape my logic by going to bed

Laying my doubts to rest

Only to write them off as a mere dream at best

Don’t treat me like a test

Because like those before you, you’ve failed just like the rest.

Unhealed stitches

Twenty-six years old. A long path down from where I started, but as I look out into the narrowing distance I still have a ways to go.

 

Right now I am broken, the second time this year –and we are only in the third month.

 

There is an uneasiness we call instinct, and it usually comes when we don’t want it most and it is usually during the time that we are resisting the hardest that the instinct may be correct.

 

It’s a constant tug-of-war between the hemispheres of the brain –between the logical and the emotional. The battle is dizzying and leaves all of the artifacts laid out in front of me blurred.

 

I wish I could pull the plug on my emotions, so I don’t have to feel this pang in my heart because the person I love has hurt me and can’t give me an explanation as to why something may look some way but it’s actually not that way.

 

We lay in a bed of silence and unsteadiness.

 

I did not see this coming, not when I have finally let my walls down. Let you see my imperfect and trust you to be there “by my side” while I trudge through the marshy-ness of my past.

 

Instead I am met with the beating anxiety that I person gets when they are lost in the middle of nowhere.

 

Looking, reaching out for someone –so you are not in that place alone.

 

I am not fit for you. I am not for you –you say. And then you take it back. You do it. Take it back.

 

Sow it up, then rip the stiches out long enough…and sowing them will be pointless.

The biggest contradiction

We both have old battle wounds
And you have no idea because you don’t care to see what I’m trying to do
You’ve written me off don’t give me the chance
And when the going gets tough you say you don’t give a damn
So how can you ever expect for me to believe you want forever
When you get frustrated and say we’ll work out never
Us is bigger than right or wrong
This is no correct
Only wounds that long lasting couples reciprocally try to protect
Nothing hurts more than to think you have someone
In your vulnerability and they inform you you’re standing alone
Moving in mentally only to find it’s not really your home