Emotional suicide

When I went to sleep tonight I prayed that I wouldn’t wake up

now here I am two hours later with a back ache and a numbed leg in this cramped car

god has a sadistic humor

no matter how hard I try to push myself out of this frame I remain entrapped

degrees, believing in love, EVERYTHING…has been for nothing.

i give up

i can’t even be strong in front of my brother any more.

the color is bleeding out of my life surroundings seeming more black than white

i am imploding

a pathetic character who attempts to save others lives when she can’t even save her own

time to hang it up.

Why it’s so hard for me to leave

Banksy heart balloon

Leaving, for me it’s a scary thing

I’ve never really left anything

I can’t take credit for leaving my abusive ex-boyfriend

I tried, but I distanced myself until it was enough to push him to leave me

I never left my first job

I tried, but I just was absent for extended periods of time until they shut down

I never left my second job

I just acted however I wanted, until we came to an amicable agreement

The one thing that I did leave, without any fear

Was home.

And since then I’ve been on a search for where my existence belongs

Usually burying my heart into others

Until they’ve had enough and they dig it up

I tried leaving it alone

The whole relationship thing

But no matter what, I just… can’t… leave

Maybe I’m in love with the struggle in me

I’m always striving to reach new heights

Excuse me if my optimism tries to trump your pessimism

Or maybe it’s my paranoia

My optimistic future always my hope, but my pessimistic past to remind me

I want to let go and not feel, and then maybe I wouldn’t have to attach myself to a life with you

Attaching my family to a future with you

Just attaching period

Dealing with your periodic detachment

We always rehash it

Feeling like I fool when I don’t agree with you

You drag me with you as you leave

Clinging to the edges of your attire as if you were Jesus himself

I said I want to let go, to be lost, and in this moment I am lost in the now.

If only I could write forever…

Fifty first dates

Sometimes we are a tornado, spiraling and tumbling downhill

Fighting into infinity, not knowing how to feel

But the very next day we wake up and it resets to what is real

Through the worst of our fights, we love each other still

You say love is not enough

I think sometimes love is rough

Losing hope on getting it right

Brings my epiphany tonight

I would go on fifty first dates with you, and past that, even more

Because every time we make mistakes we get better than before

And yes sometimes that comes with pain, which I’m willing to endure

Sit here with you for the rest of my life, without you I’d be torn