If I only knew what a push could do…

Who needs closure
When your partner gets upset over something so simple
And then choses to fight with you while you’re sleep
You say that was the one thing you’d never do to me
Because you witnessed it with your mother
But you did
You got upset because I told you to make a decision about what we should do for my birthday weekend
There was a reason I felt like this time it wasn’t a time for celebration
You move to the living room
And I nurse NyQuil for sleep
I have work at 6 in the morning
30 minutes later I’m awakened by you
Back in the room rustling around
Seems like you were intentionally trying to wake me
Yes I was grumpy but I said nothing
Until you pulled the covers back from me
And I fussed
I really had no clue where the remote was
And you went from 0 to 100
In a matter of seconds
It was fuck me bitch
But the worst time was the second
When you came looking for your charger
That I really didn’t have
I admit I unplugged it but I left it near where it was originally at
Here you come marching ripping my phone from off the charger
I jump up and push you
Taking things a little further
But you made the swing
That set us off blow after blow
What has changed your temperament towards me
I’d really like to know
There’s some things you’re not yet past
And it justifies you talking to me like I’m shit
I told myself keep working, because with you it’s worth it
You spew every vile word that I uttered to you in confidence
Telling me that I like getting beat
That I asked for this violence
Sitting here in my car
I no longer pity myself
I’ve got too much else to care for
I’ve got to man up or else
I think about my brother who needs me very bad
I’d rather sleep in this car than to let him see how I am instead
I admit I shouldn’t have pushed you
For that I am wrong
But you knew what you were doing
You were pushing for a fight all along

To have and to hold

How you’re being to me isn’t fair

But who am I to complain about fair?

I understand

But how far does trying go until it’s gone too far?

Don’t get me wrong

I will still, until the very last moment you decide not to, and even then I will


But it’s like every time I say hi

I’m met with your goodbye

I haul our luggage ten steps forward

For you to drive it twelve steps back

So easy for you too

So easy for you to

Shut me down, shut me out

And lately I’ve been looking for the reason too

I am my own moral support right now

Push, Amber, push

But no matter how far upstream I swim

I will never be let off the hook

You say you forgive me

With the conviction of a mother mourning the murder of her son

To be strong

“For you and for me”

Don’t you see?

You still haven’t

Which leaves me desolately

In a whirlpool

Trying to hold all things together

While they are spiraling out of control

I am smoking


Because there’s nothing left to do to deal with the pain of being without you

Smoking, up in flames, like a wildfire raging through the brush I feel my life spiraling out of control I’m going insane

Lately I can’t finish these poems

The irony of feeling incomplete

And even at the end of this blunt

I’m supposed to feel numb, but I feel defeat

I can’t…

…even find the words to write anymore.

No words can express these feelings that are consuming me,

Engulfing me something similar to what a flame does to a forest.

The worst part of hurting is that I can’t ignore it.