The Leak

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It feels like such a relief

Like the eye of the storm

I saw all of the warning signs

But I didn’t want to be warned

I wanted to see it with my own two eyes

The lies, tries, deception

You left me feeling like I was seeing things

Like I had no recollection

Rejection

Of your bullshit- that’s what I’m gonna do

And sadly that means that I’ve got to reject you

Because that’s all you’re made of

Late nights- I stayed up

While she laid you down

And you had to the nerve to say I’m crazy

Not as crazy as I am now

I said before you had no morals

I just thought that would have changed

I just thought when I picked you up

Yall would be smart enough to change

Or at least put on some clothes

Running around talking about “Oh shit”

You covered up her faults

But I saw right through it

The Bullshit

 

My Serial Deceptionist

How do you restore trust in a relationship?

There’s no definitive answer, but I do know it’s not by continuing to lie

Even if the truth sits uncomfortably with them- at least its concrete

Not a weak foundation

Weak foundations are bound to crumble

The truth bound to be discovered

And if it is a little white lie

Then why risk it?

Or is it?

Try to imagine how it feels to have to question every single sentence that comes out of your lover’s mouth.

Even the seemingly simplest of things are called into question

The emptiness that is given from not being able to say- “I know my baby is telling the truth about this”- is insurmountable

It’s a life with no soul

A relationship with no substance

A commitment is to be between two- interdependent

But the dependent left out- when you can’t even tell whether they had chicken or steak for dinner

It seems stupid right? Why is it so important? The importance is placed when the deceiver chooses to lie about something so minute.

The victim, they want so hard to believe.

They put so much value in the words of their lover

And when they are let down their world crumbles

Find me unconditional love and you will find endless chances

But each chance is called into question

They want to believe but they know better, so they have to check

Each instant the truth comes out- the stronger the bond

But if lies remain then it is further weakened

Then other things are called into question:

Did you really just try on a lip-gloss or did the lips of another put the glitter there?

You can no longer go off of their initial reaction when the question is posed because it’s like believing an actor to play that same role in real life- it’s not what it seems

Because you know in the past, they reacted in anger to make you feel guilty when you were right all along

Have some heart.

I put my heart out there hoping you would join me- but it’s left cold and desolate.

Make me proud to have taken the risk- I know you could give a fuck but our state is a reflection of yourself.

And you not caring about how you look is enough.

It is the bottom line.

How could you ever expect me to stay- and when I do- you think I’m stupid for doing it.

You serial deceptionist.

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© 2012, AMBER MCKINNEY. Licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 license,

Red stains of Wine

Thinking of you puts a weight in my stomach

Living in the moment- I thought nothing of it

How you told me not to drink or I’d suffer the repercussions

How the morning after we had deep discussions

It’s all I ever wanted, but at a distance

You told me not to go there- I can’t say you never mentioned

Retention to move to you because you’re so independent

I rest on your morals like you rest on the fact that I’m something different

Speaking past words fucking past feeling

I dove in eyes wide open but never knew the hand I was dealing

You remind me of deep red wine and the numbness existence it gives

I never thought that moving past this pain would come in this sort of gift

I hold back but I can feel my soul pulling- but I don’t think you can tell

I keep swimming further upstream so you I can end up in your well

I got sick- sick because I was going back you nursed me back to health

This is the story of a fairytale I know all to well

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The Sorry Opportunity

You are just a recurring opportunity that proves to myself that I’m not ready to grow

An opportunity I was supposed to reject- I wish I would have known

Why do I choose the worst option instead of one that actually helps?

I keep wronging my rights and I write them down in felt-

Pen ultimate decisions to be less than what I’m destined

Drunken wine speaking words of divine- these are psyche’s confessions

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My On Again Off Again Affair

My On and Off Affair

It’s not fair

I want to see you everyday

But my schedule and my love life just keep pushing you away

You don’t deserve this

The picking up and putting down

It’s only when she and I get in fights that I come around

And you let me in every time

And I tell you all my worries

You sit there and listen to it all

You know my best of stories

I’m sorry

I never put the time into you that you deserve

It’s just that when I’m not going through something intense I’m at a loss for words

I know how it feels to be the third person- I’ve been there. It hurts

But you show up every time I go out and search

WordPress.

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© 2012, AMBER MCKINNEY. Licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution 3.0 license,